Postage Stamp Chat Board & Stamp Bulletin Board Forum
 

A blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea (no eye-deer).

Sorry, couldn't resist....

Women are like mobile phones ... they like to be held and talked softly to, however, if you push the wrong button you will be disconnected

Men are like computers ... (1) they are useless until turned on; (2) they have lots of data but are still clueless, and (3) as soon as you pick one, a better model comes along!

Women are also like computers ... (1) no one really understands them; (2) all your mistakes are stored in their memory, and (3) you find yourself spending all your money on accessories for them!

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling.

They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage. After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately.

Then he tells the husband "now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship."

The man says; "well that certainly might help. I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays - but I go out drinking on Fridays."

Nice one Glen

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!'

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house and came back 5 minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where do you think you are going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'with you - I just want to see how you're gonna survive on $800 a year!'

.

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

A little old man and his wife walked into McDonalds and ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

He unwrapped the hamburger and cut it in half and put one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully divided the french fries, in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to watch them. He proceeded to eat his fries and the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink
A young man came over ,concerned and asked the little old lady:

"Maam, why aren't you eating? I can see that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth"

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

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Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife's monogram on it... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

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Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

Fake handles earn a 12 month suspension.

Regrettably, This Year's Easter Egg Hunt Is Cancelled

A chicken and an egg are together in bed

The chicken has its head on a pillow smoking a cigar

The egg is frustrated, rolls over and says 'well I guess we answered that question"

Ha! Had to think about that one.

But I am part Irish.

A women stands in front of the bedroom mirror and says to her husband

'I look horrible, fat and ugly ... please pay me a compliment'

The husband replies

'Certainly dear, your eyesight is spot on!'

Your forgiven ... Having a clean mind I had to think about it for a second the first time I heard it

By the way, I'm half English so we are not that far apart!

Question:
What's the difference between a computer and a "New Age Woman"?

Answer:
Most computers will still accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy !

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Scuzz

An Aussie and a Yank went fishing for the day, both taking along their dogs...
They're sitting in the boat getting a little bored as the fish aren't biting & so with nothing else to brag about, they start discussing the prowess of their dogs...
"I've had old Bluey now for nigh on 10 years" says the Aussie "There's nothing he doesn't understand and will obey any vocal command, he doesn't even need me to point, I just tell him what to do and away he goes. He's a pearler of a dog" - "Here I'll show you what I mean" ...
The Aussie calls Bluey over to his side of the boat and as if chatting to someone on the phone says "Listen Bluey I'm almost out of beer... Now Blue look over there toward the bank and you'll just be able to see the Ute (Pick Up Truck) now Blue if you'd be so kind to go to the Ute and open the Esky in the back you'll find a can of Victoria Bitter will ya bring one back to me - Oh yeah Blue - But be bloody careful mate because I noticed there were also a few cans of Heineken in there and we both know what that'll do to a bloke or even a black dog so just be aware old son...
Now Bluey jumps out of the Boat swims like Ian Thorpe all the way to the bank a good mile or so (took him almost 3 minutes) Bluey jumps up into the back of the Ute unlocks the combination padlock whips open the lid and within a few seconds he's back in the water going like a beaut; he gets back to the boat, climbs back in pops the top of the VB and passes it to his master....

"There says the Aussie to his Yank mate whaddya reckon"?

Totally unimpressed the Yank calls his dog over and says "Listen Jefferson you know the drill - go fetch me a can of that Heineken"!
Jefferson immediately jumps out of the boat runs flat chat across the lake doing something like a cross between Ben Johnston and Jesus jumps in the Ute opens the Esky (Bluey had thoughtfully left it unlocked for him) grabs the Heineken turns and bolts back to the Boat, hurls himself in, pops the top and passes it to his master...

"There ya go says the Yank - Did you notice anything different about my dog"?

"Yeah" says the Aussie looking a little bewildered - "I noticed the poor bastard can't swim"!

Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:

"What's troubling you, brother?" he said.

"My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't see."

Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.

The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.

The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him. "Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!"

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz
there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the
target - it's dead easy!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Great punch line.

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Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

Some even better ones here!

http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/kettle.asp

Lucky they did not swallow golf balls ......

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Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

You DID clean it up?

OK, that 6 month ban notice we sent you can now be ignored.

Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw. It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!"

Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!"

Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked:

"Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!"

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Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

Oooooooooooops - I love it!

NOT A JOKE, BUT A TRUE STORY, IT HAPPENED TODAY.

Customer in our store asked if we had any bank notes...I said "In that blue box"

Customer: "What blue box"

Me: "The one you have your hand on"

C: "But they're just World banknotes"

Me: "What did you want then? Martian ones?"

Subject: FW: Not a doctor!


A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a coin. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "a divorce Lawyer."

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KGV tragic

Murphy's Technology Laws

After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.

My wife came up with a novel way of house cleaning the other day after I told her it was about time "..for you to get up off yer ___ and get some work done around here!"

She went to the computer and created a new file and named it "Housecleaning". She then sent it to the recycle bin and clicked on it. A window popped up that asked her if she was sure she wanted to delete "Housecleaning" and she then clicked Yes!

Real smart ass!!

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ne obliviscaris (clan campbell motto); charlie campbell, Ishkagua Jaylee, Tearlach

Next she'll be saying you gave her a virus.

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Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

She said that last nite and I told her that I'd have to use a Trojan on my 3 1/2" floppy.
I haven't done that chit for many a year now. It'd probably kill me!

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ne obliviscaris (clan campbell motto); charlie campbell, Ishkagua Jaylee, Tearlach

An old man goes to his doctor for a physical. The doctor says, "Take off all your clothes." So he does.

Then the doctor says, "Now go look out that window." So he does. "Now stick out your tongue." So he does.

The old man turns to the doctor and asks, "What did that tell you, Doc?"

He says, "Nothing, I'm mad at my neighbor."

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Click HERE to see superb, RARE and unusual stamps, at FIXED low nett prices, high rez photos, and NO buyer fees etc!

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame,  then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams  . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~ Frank Sinatra  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,   smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?    I think not."
~ Stephen Wright  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go
to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers:  
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
  
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
  
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL - CITY OF BANKSTOWN

YEAR 12 MATHEMATICS EXAM MAY 2007

NAME .......................................

GANG ........................................

Time allowed 1 hour

1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how may razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00 pm?

3. If Mustafa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl, then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometers has he traveled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it.?

5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink, also works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week, and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair, and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

Yikes - we will have the Ethnic Discrimination Board close us down.