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Is it just me, or has the art of insulting people been thrown out the window??

Some of my heroes - seems women aren't too good at this kind of thing - are:

Winston Churchill;
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

Mark Twain;
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it"

Oscar Wilde;
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends"

John Bright;
"He's a self-made man, and worships his creator"

Irvin S. Cobb;
"I've just learned about his illness - let's hope it's nothing trivial"

Paul Keating;
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up"

and, the inimitable Groucho Marx;
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening....this isn't it"

Or, do I just have a different set of values

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

At least one woman, Dorothy Parker, was a master of the classy insult...some of my favorites:
On a performance by Katherine Hepburn: "She ran the gamut of emotions from A to B.

A comment on an unnamed contemporary: "That woman can speak 18 languages and can't say NO in any of them."

She characterized the female attendees at a Yale prom as follows: If all the women in attendance were laid end-to-end I wouldn't be at all surprised."

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Larry in Tucson
APS#122570

Germain Greer to Ian Hislop
"As I look at you your sperm count is dropping"

Ian Hislop to Germain Greer
"As I look at you my sperm count is nil"

digression to gaffs

from the gaff master in the palace HRH Prince Consort to female Scottish MP
"Are you wearing tartan knickers?"

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Weaponsmith for the DemiGods from the plane of Silliness

Give Dotty her due - the lady was also the one who asked only of her habitation;
"I just need a place to lay my hat and a few friends"

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

I grew up on "The Female Eunuch". Having said that - G.G. is to class, what sand is to glass.

It CAN happen

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

You just need to come to a Grumpy Old Mens Club Meeting,

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Nunawading Stamp Fair
Last Sunday of Every Month - Jaycees Hall Silver Grove - Nunawading.

I think Winston Churchill was also known to say to a "lady":
Lady: "If you were a gentleman, you would give up your seat for a lady"
Winston: "If you were a lady I would".

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Greg - Looking for Goulburn Australia Cancels and Grangemouth Scotland Cancels and Covers
Member of the S.T.A.M.P Club for Slightly Twisted And Mad Philatelists - Motto: "Bring back the lick!"

And Churchill again:

Heckler: "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."

WC: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."

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John

Looking for used pre-decimal OS/NSW and G/NSW state perfins, and NWPI KGV overprints.

Then again, you can always be polite - as Mr. Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde has shown;
"He's old enough to know worse"
*
"The English public takes no interest in a work of art until it is told that the work in question is immoral"
*
"Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty"
*
"There are two ways of disliking poetry: one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope"

Or what about Samuel Langhorne Clemens?
"He could charm an audience an hour on a stretch without ever getting rid of an idea" (on Oscar Wilde)
*
"Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can"
*
"In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice. Then he made school boards"
*
"When some men discharge an obligation, you can hear the report for miles around"
*
"I am not an editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one"
*
and regarding Cecil Rhodes;
"I admire him, I frankly confess it; and when his time comes I shall buy a piece of the rope as a keepsake"

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

Just read these ones:

"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence."
~ Ashleigh Brilliant

"He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble."
~ P. G. Wodehouse

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."
~ Mark Twain

And of course Groucho Marx is full of great ones:

"Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel the breeze from here!"

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did."

"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."

**"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

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My blog, if you're interested: petitmondemoi.blogspot.com

Almost forgot this one, a famous Groucho Marx quote (Marxism is at its best, when Groucho is around! )

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

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My blog, if you're interested: petitmondemoi.blogspot.com

Paul Keating's may not have been classy but they are hard to beat:

"The thing about poor old Costello is he is all tip and no iceberg.

(His performance) is like being flogged with a warm lettuce.

"I was nearly chloroformed by the performance of the Honorable Member for Mackellar. It nearly put me right out for the afternoon."

"What we have as a leader of the National Party is a political carcass with a coat and tie on."

Greatest Keating line ever, when talking about Peacock's come back prospects: "A souffle never rises twice''


However, Gough is attributed with the best ever parliamentary jibe:

Winton Turnbull: "I'm a country member"
Gough Whitlam: "we remember"

If you have a Good one, you won't come back. ( When a person tells you "crudely", what their going to the Toilet for. )

"When you were born, did the Doctor slap the wrong end?"

"I think a village is missing it's idiot".

"If he had brains of gunpowder, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose".

"If I was the last man on earth, you'd have to make love to me.
If you were the last man on earth, the human race would end."

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Greg - Looking for Goulburn Australia Cancels and Grangemouth Scotland Cancels and Covers
Member of the S.T.A.M.P Club for Slightly Twisted And Mad Philatelists - Motto: "Bring back the lick!"

You could have raised a good house cow with the milk you wasted on baby.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but i can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

"De mortuis nihil nisi bonum"

or,

"speak nothing but good of the dead"

BUT, some of the classiest insults of all time are writ in stone.

Firstly, here's a couple of cynics talking about the ritual of the obituary itself;

EPITAPH =

"an inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retro-active effect"
Ambrose Bierce

"a belated advertisement for a line of goods that has been permanently discontinued"
Irvin S. Cobb

From 1775:
"Here lies the body of Richard Hind
Who was neither ingenious, sober, or kind"

(undated):
"Here lies Ezekial Aikle
aged 102
Only the Good die Young"

1742, England:
"Tom Smith is dead, and here he lies,
Nobody laughs and nobody cries,
Where his soul's gone, or how it fares,
Nobody knows, and nobody cares"
(this one has been reused countless times)

In an Ottawa cemetery:
"I laid my wife
beneath this stone,
for her repose
and for my own"
(The chance for a last word from 'grieving' spouses can take up whole tomes)

Another species who has been given the treatment (surprise, surprise) are politicians. One of my favourites (again from England) is this gem:

"There lies beneath this mossy stone
a politician who
touched a live issue without gloves,
and never did come to."

And, just one more:

"Here lies Aretino,
who spoke evil of everyone but God,
saying, 'I never knew him'"

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

We got to the front of your house but the waste disposal fees were to high.

It's fair that YOU tell your wife she's beautiful, none of us will.

You don't get enough sleep. Catch up while your awake.

My favourite Keating line was when he described former conservative prime minister Malcolm Fraser as "like an Easter Island statue with an arse full of razor blades".

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Always on the lookout for Australian pre decimal First Day Covers.

Your lucky, NONE of your time is taken up by Friends.

George Bernard Shaw "I'd like to say I had a great time tonight, but I can't"

"Children should be obscene but not turds"

Winston Churchill to lady at party "You are the ugliest woman I have ever met"
Lady "And you, sir, are the biggest drunk I have ever seen"
Winston "That may be so but tomorrow I will be sober and you will still be ugly"

If brains were electricity you would'nt be able to give yourself a shock

My Dad used to tell me that the art of diplomacy is to be able to tell a person where to go in no uncertain terms, but make them actually look forward to it.

His intellect is only exceeded by the size of his shoe and the capacity of his ego.

- Me. I just thought of it.

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Greg - Looking for Goulburn Australia Cancels and Grangemouth Scotland Cancels and Covers
Member of the S.T.A.M.P Club for Slightly Twisted And Mad Philatelists - Motto: "Bring back the lick!"

My Dear, 'That Handbag' makes you look truly beautiful.

The most quoted individual in the English Language, G. K. Chesterton, was universally recognized for his civility. Most of those he debated and attacked on their ideas were ALSO his life-long friends, (G. B. Shaw, H. G. Wells).

So it is a challenge to find a quote which is clearly an insult... how unusual for a man who was an acclaimed CRITIC of both art and literature! Not all of these are clearly insults, but most of them are rebuttals to his attackers.

"Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out."
— G.K. Chesterton

"Tolerance is the virtue of the man without convictions."
— G.K. Chesterton

"Free verse'? You may as well call sleeping in a ditch 'free architecture'."
— G.K. Chesterton

"It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged. "
— G.K. Chesterton

"By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition that a masterpiece may be unpopular to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular it cannot be a masterpiece."
— G.K. Chesterton

"Suppose, my dear Chadd, suppose it is we who are the idiots because we are not afraid of devils in the dark?"
— G.K. Chesterton (The Club of Queer Trades)

"If you'd take your head home and boil it for a turnip it might be useful. I can't say. But it might."
— G.K. Chesterton (The Man Who Was Thursday: A Nightmare)

"A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true."
— G.K. Chesterton

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"Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."
G. K. Chesterton

Harking back to a very early post on this thread quoting Dorothy Parker

She was invited to a weekend party at W R Hearst's San Simeon.Hearst was , notwithstanding his open and long-running affair with Marion Davies, notoriously straitlaced.

Parker was told in no uncertain terms that single guests were not allowed to have members of the opposite sex in their bedrooms under pain of permanent expulsion

She happened to notice during the course of the evening a statue of the Virgin Mary in a recess above the Hearst bedroom door - she penned the following

"Upon my honour
I saw the Madonna
In a niche above the door
Of a well-known whore
And a prominent son of a bitch"

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When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him

Oh, I don't know.....


Gentle satire can be extremely effective It makes a nice change from the boring "in-your-face" attacks which appear to be the modus operandi of most people today. As Mrs. Sharpe points out in Josephine Tey's 'The Franchise Affair'; "Lack of education is an extraordinary handicap when one is being offensive. They had no resource at all."

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

I came here for a battle of wits.

Unfortunately I see that you have come unarmed.

"BEAUTY is only skin deep."

"Perhaps my dear, but UGLY cuts right to the bone."

Not all were carved in stone.
on one grave stone in a church yard in England is written the following.

Remember me as you pass by.
as you are now, so once was I.
as I am now so you will be,
so be prepared to follow me.

Underneath someone had scratch on the stone.

To follow you I am quite content,
But I am stuffed if I know which way you went.

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Nunawading Stamp Fair
Last Sunday of Every Month - Jaycees Hall Silver Grove - Nunawading.

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway."
Hunter S. Thompson

"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?"
Charles Pierce

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork."
Irving Brecher

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"I never liked him and I always will."
Dave Clark

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Fred Allen

"I thought men like that shot themselves."
King George V

"He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him."
Eddie Cantor

"He's completely unspoiled by failure."
Noel Coward

"He's liked, but he's not well liked."
Arthur Miller

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest."
Steven Pearl

"Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you."
Groucho Marx

"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
Oscar Levant

"Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others."
Winston Churchill

"Fine words! I wonder where you stole them."
Jonathan Swift

"You had to stand in line to hate him."
Hedda Hopper

"You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you."
Norm Papernick

"You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear."
Mark Twain

"You're a mouse studying to be a rat."
Wilson Mizner

"The perfection of rottenness."
William James

"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."
George Bernard Shaw

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them."
Dorothy Parker

"The finest woman that ever walked the streets."
Mae West

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Fellowship of Samoa Specialists is not just for specialists: http://www.samoaexpress.org/
Marty

"If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave it's ass and teach it to walk backwards"

Money is not everything, but it keeps you in contact with the children

You're a guy that's so dumb you can only count to 21 in the shower.

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Mike
Why do we need perforations? Scissors are cheap!

A great post mcgooley. It has certainly come as a suprise to find that many of the participants can understand English as well as any parrot. However, I shall continue to make allowances for the inferiority of others.

Huanga.

You would be very welcome at any of the GOMC meetings, but select a seat that places your back against the wall.

Now, now, Philly. I'm sure huanga meant that as a compliment, not because our lifts don't go all the way to the top. Very clever things, parrots; the Norwegian Blue was also nailed to his perch because of his inventive invective.

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

Thank you Philanthropist for the invitation, but I think I'll pass. Although I do like Melbourne. It has a class about it that Sydney and Brisbane lack!!

mcgooley it is a very amusing thread you have here. I'll now go see if I can think of another classy.

Huanga.

Speaking of lifts.....

I'm working on the assumption that many people would have heard the expression;

"as useless as an ashtray on a Harley-Davidson", or

"as useless as teats on a bull", or

"as useless as a square wheel", or

"as useless as a one-legged man in a ..... -kicking contest"

I overheard a conversation today where someone described their work-colleague as being "as useless as a fly-wire screen on a submarine".

Out of curiosity, I'm wondering just how many antithetic similes are out there

Anyone have any suggestions?

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

One secretary was known as "the white swan."
Drifted around the office looking attractive, but actually quite useless

You, Sir, are no gentleman, but your wife is.

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Please learn me.

Hi, Gee Your looking well , Have You been sick

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Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

I think this harkens back to the olden days, not quite word for word correct but you will follow the drift of a House of Commons exchange between two M.P.s.
"You Sir, will die either on the gallows or of the pox."
to which the responder replied
"That Sir, depends upon whether I embrace your politics, or your wife."

Love it

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

May you melt off the earth like snow off the ditch!

Huanga.

From an old Irish insult.

Unfair! I don't recognize the lead - do I need to go back and check my Shake-Spear?

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FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

This car has as much grunt as a Koala on Valium.

I shot an arrow in the air
It came to earth, I know not where
In springtime, as I walked about
I found it in my best friend's mouth.