Postage Stamp Chat Board & Stamp Bulletin Board Forum
 

NEWS FLASH.

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use
water cannons on rioters.
They are putting some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves
that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists.
The vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.


Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his family.

This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.


Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Compoundperf, once again, you seem to equate racism with humour? Not funny, in my book anyway.

_________________
Peter
Hawthorn - AFL Premiers 1961, 1971, 1976, 1978, 1983, 1986, 1988, 1989, 1991, 2008.

Amazing Amish Christmas Lights



I know it's early season, but these are amazing!



Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights.






































You know very well that the Amish don't use electricity.



Fooling old people is so easy!

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Hi

The board censors will probably delete this but I'll take the chance. This came to me from Colombia, South America.
However, since I am from New England (Maine) I would caption it "Yankee Ingenuity".



Jerry B

Hi

When I was in the USAF and stationed in Morocco on a remote communications site this joke was making the rounds:

A airman was sent to a remote desert radar site. When he got there he asked the sergeant in charge what they did for sex since there was nothing but sand for miles. The sergeant told him that they used the camel tied up behind the orderly room tent. A few weeks go by and the airman is feeling a little horny so he goes to the back of the orderly room, gets a barrel, stands on it and has sex with the camel. Later he told his buddy what he did and said it wasn't all that bad. His buddy stared at him and exclaimed: "Idiot, we use the camel to ride into town!"

Jerry B

Hi

I think this is the ideal office space:



Jerry B

So long as SHE keeps working I think it's a great idea.

LITTLE JOHNNY DOES IT AGAIN



A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Gillard fans.

Not really knowing what a Gillard fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny in the front row.



The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Gillard fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Gillard fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Little Johnny proudly answered, 'Well, my Mum's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, little Johnny replied, 'That would make me a Gillard fan.'

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

There you go, you see? That's funny, and not a trace of racism involved!

_________________
Peter
Hawthorn - AFL Premiers 1961, 1971, 1976, 1978, 1983, 1986, 1988, 1989, 1991, 2008.

A escaped convict breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.

He orders the man out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain...do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both.

Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.”

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

We are always learning new stuff!


The Longest Nerve In The Body




Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
Eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
Pooey outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't
Bring a tear to your eyes.

My public service is done for the day!



Keep laughing...life is too short to take life too seriously

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Can you guess what cup size this is?

Is it a 34B, 36C,....or what?

Mainly for men to educate them.

Answer given this afternoon.

_________________
Tempus fugit

Now that should make some of you smile?

_________________
Tempus fugit

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)


(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.


* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

A LITTLE STORY TITLED

JUST A WEEEEEEEEEEEE BIT





'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.


So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want..'

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away .Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents..

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
Pregnant when you met her.'






If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here Pass it on to your friends.

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Don't play with your meat!

11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14: You still have a little bit on your chin.

15: How long will it take after you put it in?

16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.

20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

_________________
Tempus fugit

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little (This Word Auto Censored by Board software!), O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

" That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."

【ツ】★ª"˜¨¨¯¯¨˜ª¤.`*•.¸*•¸★☆☆★¸•*¸.•*´¸.¤ª˜¨¨¯¯¨˜"ª★【ツ】

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."

" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

【ツ】★ª"˜¨¨¯¯¨˜ª¤.`*•.¸*•¸★☆☆★¸•*¸.•*´¸.¤ª˜¨¨¯¯¨˜"ª★【ツ】

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"

S he says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

_________________
Tempus fugit

Two Newfs went out moose hunting. After quite a hike into the bush one of them grabs his chest and falls down.

Panicked the other Newf grabs his cell phone and calls 911.

The 911 eleven operator answers, Hello, whats your emergency?

The Newf responds, me and me bud are out 'ere in da bush, and I thinks me buds just died of a 'eart attack.

The operator says, Don't worry sir we'll help you out. First thing, can you make sure he's dead?

All of a sudden the operator hears a gun shot over the line, the Newf responds, O.K. now what?

Mario and Tony where out on the porch and Mario asks, "Hey Tony you lika da big women who don't wear bras and thier titties hang down to thier belly buttons?"

Tony responds, "No."

Mario then asks, "Hey Tony, You lika da big women that wear spandex pants where their bellies hangs over thier waist band?"

Tony a little disgusted responds, "No."

Mario continues with, "Hey Tony, you lika da big women with the flabby arses with da cottage cheese cellulite running down the back of thier legs."

Tony completely disgusted says, "Mario what are you trying to do? Completly gross me out, no, I do not like women like that."

Mario yells, "Then why the hell are you sleeping with my wife???????"

A 70 year old woman went to the doctor for a check up.

The doctor told her she needed more activity & recommended sex three times a week.

She said to the doctor , "Please, tell to my husband".

The doctor goes out in the waiting room & tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.

The 70 year old husband replies, " Which days ?"

The doctor says, " How about Monday ,Wednesday and Friday."

The husband says, " I can bring her Monday & Wednesday, but on friday she'll have to take the bus.

_________________
The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge........

Can`t wait till this comes out this is the trailer



http://littlejohnnythemovie.com/

CAUTION CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Has already been released 03/08/2001

_________________
I AM ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE
Post your KGV faults on the stampboard wiki.

Hmm? I sure hope the rest of the movie is better than the trailer.

_________________
Peter
Hawthorn - AFL Premiers 1961, 1971, 1976, 1978, 1983, 1986, 1988, 1989, 1991, 2008.

NOPE

_________________
I AM ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE
Post your KGV faults on the stampboard wiki.

I think I might give it a wide berth then.

_________________
Peter
Hawthorn - AFL Premiers 1961, 1971, 1976, 1978, 1983, 1986, 1988, 1989, 1991, 2008.

Since we're entering the silly season.......

Some Timely Pre-Christmas Advice:

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and I had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

_________________
FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

Ha! That's nothing. Sheena Easton's boyfriend takes a train to work in the morning, works from 9 to 5 and then he takes another one home to find find her waiting for him. Her back yard must be huge.

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f*#k's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

_________________
FORESTS OLD, PASTURES NEW
(An expert is one who knows more and more, about less and less)

_________________
Tempus fugit

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty






________________________________________

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty






________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty






________________________________________
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty





________________________________________

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!





Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

_________________
Tempus fugit

_________________
Tempus fugit

Hi

A blond girl returns to her apartment and finds that it has been robbed. She calls the police and a detective comes and asks questions. A little while after he leaves the blond hears a noise and thinks someone is breaking in. She dials 911. The only police car available is the K-9 unit so the officer responds. He rings the bell and the blond opens the door and takes a look at the officer and his dog and exclaims: Oh sh-t! They sent me a blind policeman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I am of Polish origin and I hope anyone else who is of Polish origin takes no exception but Hanes underwear is now printing instructions on all underwear destined for Poland: Yellow in front, Brown in back.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple in a nursing home go to the doctor. He asks what is wrong and they tell him they are having problems having sex. The doctor tells them to undress and go at it on the examining table so he can observe and see what is wrong. When they are done he tells then he cannot see anything wrong with their technique.

A couple of weeks later the couple returns for the same complaint. Again the procedure was the same and again the doctor finds nothing wrong.

Two weeks later they come back. The doctor tells them that the last two times he saw nothing wrong. The gentleman then explains to the doctor:

Well we are not married and the nursing home doesn't allow unmarried residents to have sex. If we go to a motel, that costs $30 which is hard to pay on a social security. If we come here to have sex Medicare pays for it.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerry B

_________________
Tempus fugit

Are they trying to tell us something using Morse code maybe? I see lots of dots but no dashes.

Heading on this photo:

Now it's an addiction!!! Isn't the hole facing the wrong way?

_________________
Tempus fugit

A junior in an office dialed his boss's number by mistake & said :
Hey, send a coffee in my cabin in two minutes !..........

Boss shouted : do you know whom you're talking to ?!!!!!!

Junior : no!

Boss: I'm the boss of this office.

Junior (in the same tone) : & do u know whom you're talking to?

Boss: no!

Junior: Thank God. (and disconnected da phone).....

_________________
Ankit Jain
**Happiness is not the station you arrive at but the manner of Traveling**

_________________
Tempus fugit

_________________
Tempus fugit

PHOOOOH PHOOOH PHOOOOPH!!!!

_________________
Tempus fugit

_________________
Tempus fugit

As time goes by.

_________________
Tempus fugit

For those times when you are really annoyed with someone - but you're lost for words.

Use "The Shakespeare Insult Kit"

The Love Child of Mr. Bean and an unknown Australian Politician

Flowers from Paddy

You gotta love the Irish!!

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'


'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

_________________
Tempus fugit

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a burn on the Carnoustie Championship golf course.

A greenkeeper shouts:

“Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sh*te an pish!”

The golfer replies:

“My dear fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English, please?”

The keeper replies:

“I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!”

I like this one

Subject: Stanley


Julia Gillard goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:

Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it.

Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?

Third weren’t you a communist at university.

Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Julia says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

Why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it.

Why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren’t you a communist at university.

Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the f*ck happened to Stanley?"

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

Posted this in the U Tubes Thread but will drop it here as well very funny I Thought

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDMMRKk_ ... ideo_title

_________________
Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

You're right, was very funny for me to go to the sight to find it's been deleted.