Joke of the Day

doug2222usa · **Posted:** Sun Mar 11, 2012 08:56:19 am

TELEPHONE POLE INSTALLERS

An Ohio phone company was going to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two West Virginia rednecks and a team of two Ohio Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said, "Here's what we'll do. Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back. The boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys, came back and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Bubba, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Duke and me, we got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Bubba, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!" :wink:

norvic · **Posted:** Sun Mar 11, 2012 09:47:50 am

I heard that at the end of a job, the Irishmen found his mate sitting on top of one of the poles.

This Paddy had been a nuisance all the way through the job and they were all pleased when it was done, but Mick called up to him and asked him why he was sitting on top of the pole?

"Well Mick," sez he, "it's loik Oi sez to the foreman, 'we've got this one pole left over, what shall Oiz do with it?'; and he told me, so Oi did!"

stallzer · **Posted:** Sun Mar 11, 2012 10:53:11 am

Two Cannibals are having Dinner when one Cannibal says to the other, "I hate my Sister" to which the other Cannibal replied, "Then just eat the Noodles".

MargoZ · **Posted:** Sun Mar 11, 2012 10:57:20 am

This is YOUR fault Stallzer!

What did one cannibal say to the other when they discovered a tent full of missionaries in sleeping bags?
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"Ah, breakfast in bed!"

GeeIdontKnow · **Posted:** Mon Mar 12, 2012 13:59:36 pm

Jim & Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news, he said, "Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

"The bad news is that, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon did you say I can go home?"

hutch · **Posted:** Mon Mar 12, 2012 17:30:46 pm

Not so much of a joke but very clever and funny! :lol:

Anne

hutch · **Posted:** Mon Mar 12, 2012 17:36:26 pm

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.

The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage."

The Texan said, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian said, "What's a steak?"

The New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"

bathurst stamper · **Posted:** Tue Mar 13, 2012 17:55:23 pm

How many folk singers does it take to change a light globe ?

26

1 to change the light globe and 25 to sing songs about how good the old globe was........ :lol:

hutch · **Posted:** Tue Mar 13, 2012 18:50:09 pm

NO Bathurst stamper....The Dark Sucker!!! :lol:

warm · **Posted:** Tue Mar 13, 2012 19:56:07 pm

hutch wrote:

Not so much of a joke but very clever and funny! :lol:

Anne

Thanks Anne.

Very nice.

Tony

tricolours · **Posted:** Wed Mar 14, 2012 20:20:15 pm

There were two Nuns sitting, sipping cups of coffee, at a coffee shop. The Nuns table was situated right next to the front window, They had a clear view of everything that went on outside. Directly across the street from the coffee shop was a brothel.

They hadn't been there 5 minutes when a Methodist Minister entered the brothel. The two nuns looked at each other, raising there eyebrows and feeling a sense of superiority.
" I've never trusted those people sister." One Nun said to the other. " There religions a sham , there nothing more than a bunch of heathens, etc ,etc.",

A few minutes later a Jewish Rabii goes into the Brothel. The Nuns really get on there high horse this time.

"Blah, blah, blah . Those people killed jesus. godless heathens - there religion is nothing but a sham, blah, blah, blah." After about 10 minutes they finally quieten down.

A few minutes later a Catholic Priest walks into the brothel.

The Nuns go deathly silent for a few minutes. Then one gets up and says to the other. " Oh look Sister, there goes Father O'Flannery into that brothel, One of those poor working girls must of past away".

GeeIdontKnow · **Posted:** Wed Mar 14, 2012 20:40:47 pm

Q. How Many New Yorkers does it take to change a light globe?

A. Shut up and mind your own business!!

hutch · **Posted:** Wed Mar 14, 2012 22:05:34 pm

No, No, it's a Dark Sucker!!!!! :evil:

hutch · **Posted:** Wed Mar 14, 2012 22:10:24 pm

Prayers will be recited for Father O'Flannery tonight after the Dark Suckers come on at dusk! :wink:

Allanswood · **Posted:** Wed Mar 14, 2012 22:40:59 pm

Recently voted as the world's worst joke:

What's brown and sticky?
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a stick.

Apparently no one laughed. :wink:

maszki · **Posted:** Thu Mar 15, 2012 05:54:40 am

The West Virginian rednecks and the Ohio Irish teams mentioned earlier were given a second chance and were sent out into the forest to cut down trees for telephone poles.

They were each given chain saws and given their areas in which to work and were told that future employment would depend on how they performed

At the end of the day, the Virginians had a pile of 25 trees trimmed and ready to be used as telephone poles but the Ohio Irish team only had 21 poles.

When told they were sacked the Irish team complained that they had been given faulty saws and could have cut down at least another 20 trees if they had sharp saws.

The judge replied that he would check and picked up one of the Ohio Irishmen's saws and pulled the cord and the motor started instantly.

As the motor started the 2 irishmen jumped back and screamed 'what's that noise"

Boom Boom

BIGANDYN · **Posted:** Thu Mar 15, 2012 06:12:46 am

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the freezing rain and cold weather to follow.

They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Reflective Triangles
Spare Fuel Can
First Aid Kit
Jump leads

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I looked like a right idiot on the bus this morning!

BIGANDYN · **Posted:** Thu Mar 15, 2012 06:13:39 am

He said. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said. You wear pants don't you?

He said. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and watch TV!

He said. . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said. Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said. They don't have time

He said. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said. We don't know; it has never happened.

He said. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

She said. They already have boyfriends.

She said. What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said. A widow.

He said. Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

BIGANDYN · **Posted:** Thu Mar 15, 2012 06:20:53 am

The paperback edition of "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:

bathurst stamper · **Posted:** Thu Mar 15, 2012 09:00:05 am

Is the contemplation of removing selvedge called separation anxiety ? :lol:

hutch · **Posted:** Tue Mar 20, 2012 21:14:14 pm

Another clever play on words!

hutch · **Posted:** Tue Mar 20, 2012 21:22:05 pm

And NO Bathurst Stamper, I would call that pure stress. Couldn't bring myself to do it!

I can't even through out a totally useless damaged stamp without stress!

Oh we are a strange lot, us stamp collectors! :wink:

Anne

hutch · **Posted:** Tue Mar 20, 2012 21:40:27 pm

The paperback edition of "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:

Hi BIGANDYN, what can I say? We women strive hard to make life interesting and challenging for you!

:lol:

Philanthropist · **Posted:** Tue Mar 20, 2012 21:52:24 pm

BIGANDYN wrote:

The paperback edition of "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:

That is only "A - D"

asmodeus · **Posted:** Wed Mar 21, 2012 02:48:18 am

A little bit sarcastic:

DONATIONS FOR PARLIAMENT
A driver Is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside London,
Nothing Is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the members of parliament and they're asking for a £100 million ransom!
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"Roughly a gallon."

asmodeus · **Posted:** Wed Mar 21, 2012 02:50:52 am

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is", I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer.
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

BIGANDYN · **Posted:** Wed Mar 21, 2012 08:13:23 am

Philanthropist wrote:

BIGANDYN wrote:

The paperback edition of "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:

That is only "A - D"

Personally I thought it was only the preface!!

mcgooley · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 17:26:17 pm

"So dad, how do you like the iPad we gave you?"

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

I don't speak German, but the visuals made me laugh!!!!

hutch · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 17:52:11 pm

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I agree!!!

:lol:

asmodeus · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 17:53:07 pm

Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15. Called down to the wife and got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor... Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes...
Then a moment of pure inspiration... McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30!

asmodeus · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 17:53:39 pm

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

Allanswood · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 18:24:54 pm

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

maszki · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 19:52:08 pm

Thanks McGooley. the IPad video has made my day

61belairgary · **Posted:** Thu Mar 22, 2012 22:13:47 pm

Why do Policeman have bigger Balls than Firemen

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They sell more tickets

stallzer · **Posted:** Sat Mar 24, 2012 05:57:34 am

A true Canadian

It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible”, said the man.

“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?”

The neighbor says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”

“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

doug2222usa · **Posted:** Sun Mar 25, 2012 16:50:29 pm

A PIRATE STORY

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."

The pirate sighed. "It was my first day with the hook."

GeeIdontKnow · **Posted:** Thu Mar 29, 2012 21:57:25 pm

Love it

Which reminds me of another Pirate Joke:

Q: Why are Pirates Pirates?

A: Because they "ARRRRRGH"

hutch · **Posted:** Sat Mar 31, 2012 00:41:43 am

This was in the Melbourne Herald Sun...years ago! Just found it again yesterday

Great huh? I love cricket!

Anne

Kev · **Posted:** Sat Mar 31, 2012 17:55:04 pm

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page onthe Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

Philanthropist · **Posted:** Sat Mar 31, 2012 18:29:14 pm

Brilliant. :roll:

Now if I only knew how to email that to my kids

in Mongolia and Mozambique

Kev · **Posted:** Sat Mar 31, 2012 21:49:51 pm

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
Theirfaces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
Makinglove to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,'
Says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery,
Spentit all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector

'Thought he was having his picture taken.'

john6625 · **Posted:** Mon Apr 02, 2012 00:37:01 am

What is the best form of contraception?
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Wedding cake!

maszki · **Posted:** Mon Apr 02, 2012 01:19:38 am

john6625 wrote:

What is the best form of contraception?
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Wedding cake!

Cruel john6625, cruel. But accurate.
Actually the best form of contraception is a pebble in your shoe..it makes you limp.

Philanthropist · **Posted:** Mon Apr 02, 2012 12:33:03 pm

I went to the Chemist, and requested Viagra.
He asked "Do you have a Doctor's prescriptuon for this drug." :?:

I explained that no I did not, But I could show him a photo of the wife :oops:

crawling away in to hiding now, before the Hairy Armpit Brigade came hunting me down

doug2222usa · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 03:11:44 am

Old Blue

A young mountaineer goes off to college at West Virginia University. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at WVU that will teach your dog, Ol’ Blue, how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him to me, with $1,000.,” the young mountaineer says “I’ll get him in the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So at year's end, on the way home, he stops the pickup truck, gets out and shoots Ol' Blue.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, “Is your dad still messing around with that redhead who lives down the hollow?”

The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman. :mrgreen:

Philanthropist · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 07:18:42 am

selvedge · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 18:44:07 pm

maszki wrote:

john6625 wrote:

What is the best form of contraception?
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Wedding cake!

Cruel john6625, cruel. But accurate.
Actually the best form of contraception is a pebble in your shoe..it makes you limp.

My Dad always told me the best contraception was an aspirin.

You give it to your wife and tell her to hold it between her knees in bed.

traralgon3844 · **Posted:** Mon Apr 09, 2012 19:55:42 pm

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried an old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

hutch · **Posted:** Fri Apr 13, 2012 23:22:40 pm

asmodeus · **Posted:** Sat Apr 14, 2012 01:24:40 am

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,
"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want
to miss an opportunity either, so he asked...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best
kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could
be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".

The authorities think she may have been pushed.


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