Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by samcam »

If you stick your head between two breast implants, are you technically in Silicon Valley?
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Post by Crowsnestidaho »

Crowsnestidaho wrote:
04 May 2021 06:29
Here is farm joke for you.

What do you call a cow after she has calved?

Answer later. :D

My farm joke long past. Sorry been busy putting together a package of stamps.

Decalfinated

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Post by BigSaint »

A grasshopper walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Hey, I got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"
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Post by BigSaint »

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.

The other is slugging a bug
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Post by BigSaint »

Mr Grasshopper and Mr Centipede had plans to go jogging today. Centipede knocks on Grasshoppers door and nobody answers.

After a coupled failed attempts Grasshopper this time knocked while yelling “Mr Centipede! You home? Hello?” Still nobody answers.

Grasshopper then starts ringing the doorbell yelling even louder in a loud voice “ You said 10am now where are you!!??”

Mr Centipede comes to the door and says “stop yelling, I had to get my shoes on!”
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Post by BigSaint »

I absolutely hate screening films for the Grasshopper Film Festival

Everybody's a cricket.
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Post by BigSaint »

Why do grasshoppers love kangaroos?

Coz they’re so hoppy
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Post by BigSaint »

A bee is driving along the highway and sees a grasshopper looking for a lift

He pulls over to pick him up. After a 100km the car sputters and comes to stop. The bee looks at the fuel gauge, groans, and gets out and proceeds to pee into the fuel tank, gets back in the car and away they go.

The grasshopper is of course amazed after this happens 2 more times. Then in the middle of nowhere the car runs out of fuel for a 4th time. The bee starts freaking out and says 'I can't go again, I just can't. I'm tapped.'

The grasshopper tries to settle the bee by saying that he really needs to pee and he will gladly pee into the tank.

The bee stops for a second and starts laughing hysterically. 'If only it were that simple dear grasshopper. You see this specific model of car, only runs on BP!'
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Post by BigSaint »

What’s the last thing that goes through a grasshoppers head when he hits the windshield?

His ass.
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Post by BigSaint »

What do you call a grasshopper on adderall?

A focust
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What do you call a grasshopper on adderall?

A focust
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Post by BigSaint »

A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I came back all the beer would be foam.

The centipede says, "Alright, I'll go." One hour passes, then two, and after two and a half hours the turtle and grasshopper are pissed. They open up the front door to look outside and see the Centipede sitting there.

Then, the turtle yells, "what the (This Word Auto Censored by Board software!) centipede, it's been two hours and you haven't left?!"

The centipede replies, "Can't a brother put on his shoes?"
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Post by BigSaint »

Why were the grasshopper’s eyes so red?

Because it was all hopped up on grass.
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Post by BigSaint »

So a grasshopper named Steve walks into a bar.

Wait, you're not supposed to know his name yet.

Anyway, the bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named 'Steve'!"

No, that's not right. The bartender says "Hey Steve!"... Nope.

Hold on, the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink called a grass.." ..No wait.. Got it!

"Hey! We have a drink named after you!" Yea!

Then Steve says "You have a drink named Steve!?"

Then the bartender says "Nope, we have a drink called a grasshopper. It's made with creme de menthe, creme de cacao and light cream shaken with ice and poured in a martini glass"

Then I think Steve ordered one.
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Post by BigSaint »

What do you call a grasshopper that forgot the words to "We Wish You a Merry Christmas?"

A "hum" bug.
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Post by BigSaint »

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias," and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's."

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the, government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of politicians announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.
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Post by BigSaint »

Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

...Grasshopper?

\--Yes, Master Po.

You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid stuff!
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Post by BigSaint »

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <br>" We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
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Post by BigSaint »

One day Temel goes to the local caffe with his friends. While playing games and drinking tea a Japanese dude walks in and says "Does anyone in here got the balls to beat me ?". After this Temel gets up and says "I do", then they both head outside. 5 minutes later Temel comes back with a broken nose and black eye. The Japanese dudes comes after, laughs and says "I used the silent grasshopper technique on him".

The next day the Japanese dude comes back to the caffe and again asks the same question. Temel, enraged by what happened yesterday, says "I do" and they both head out again. 5 minutes later Temel comes back again pretty beat up. Japanese dude comes also comes back and says that he used the dragons' fury technique on him.

The same cycle repeats for a few days. Japanese dude comes, Temel volunteeres and 5 minutes later a beat up Temel and a pridefull Japanese dude comes back. Then he explains which technique he used to beat up Temel.

One day the same thing happens again. They both head out and everyone in the caffe is expecting a beat up Temel. However this time a pretty beat up Japanese dude and a happy Temel come back. Everyone in the caffe is shocked. They ask temel how he did it.

He says " I used Toyota's carjack technique on him."
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Post by BigSaint »

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done? I spent all our family savings on one stupid apple!

Feeling horrible, I went ahead and cleaned up the apple: with the hopes that the seller will buy it back from me.

He saw the apple and said: wow, that's such a nice apple. I'd give you a dollar for that.

That was my a-ha moment, grasshoppers.

I took that dollar and bought 2 dirty apples with it. Cleaned them very well for an hour, and sold them for 2 dollars.

I was off to races.

In 14 days my business performed beyond wildest expectations: I netted a solid 256$.

Then on the 15th day the uncle of my wife in Dubai passed away and left us two billion dollars of cash inheritance.
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Post by BigSaint »

What music didn't the Beatles invent?

Hip Hop, the weren't grasshoppers after all
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Post by BigSaint »

"How do we get our names?"

There was once a young Native American boy talking to his father.

"How do we get our names, dad?" The boy asked.

"Well, son," the boy's father replied, "after a baby is born we go out of the teepee and name the child after the first thing we see. This is why your great grandfather was Soaring Eagle, your grandfather is Running Elk, and I am Hopping Grasshopper."

The boy nodded, but still looked as though he was confused.

The boy's dad then asks, "Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?"
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Post by BigSaint »

When I was 10
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor tire will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough sumbich.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (Ether). The light bulb went off in my head.

I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner. Lets face it, to a 10 yr old mouth-breather like myself, (Ether), really doesn't "sound" flammable.

So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex (black powder for muzzle loader rifles).

At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the (Ether) can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie, a 1 lb. pyrodex and 16 oz (Ether) should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Screw that I'm going back in the house for the other can.

Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15 ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH SHOOT! He just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh shoot.

When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 fricking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1 ft above the ground as far as I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a worm or two.

The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE FRICKING DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE.

There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That son-of-a-bitch got up and ran off.

So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-Shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback: ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOU'RE BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE. DAMN IT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000 ft. over our backyard. There is a Honda 185 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires.

I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know - I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later....repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR. and Dad screaming "Bring him back to life so I can kill him again". Thanks Mom.

One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again, Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.

Dad sold his muzzle loader a week or so later. I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from the blast or the beating, or both.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. It's good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.
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Post by BigSaint »

The animals and the insects were always competing as to which group was greater. The insects argued that they were greater in number and more diversified. The animals argued they rat were more highly developed and had greater abilities.

To prove which group was greater they agreed to have a football game and whoever won would be the greatest.
In the first half the animals just dominated. They had bears on the front line, deer to run the ball, badgers at linebacker and eagles at defensive back. The animals led at halftime 48-0.
The insects were to receive to begin the second half and when the centipede caught the kickoff he raced 95 yards through the animals for a touchdown.

From that point on the centipede dominated. He made every tackle and intercepted passes on defense. And on offense every time he touched the ball he broke free for a touchdown. None of the animals could keep up with this 100 legged creature.

Midway through the fourth quarter the insects were ahead 84-48 and coasting to victory.

The grasshopper rushed up to the centipede and shouted, "Man, you're great. Where were you in the first half?"

"Getting my cleats on."
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Post by BigSaint »

A man went to a gigantic zoo to visit his buddy Oscar

Once there, he marveled at all the animals in their different habitats. Still in awe, he then asked one of the employees where he could find Oscar.


"Oscar? I know two Oscars who work here. Are you looking for Oscar Peterson or Oscar Cocks?"


"Oscar Peterson is the guy. Never heard of an Oscar Cocks," said the man with a slight chuckle.


"Well that Oscar specializes in insects. The insect habitats are found at the far east side of the zoo. Just head down this path, follow it all the way through and you'll get there eventually. You'll pass a bear habitat and a monkey habitat on the way there and right before the building is a huge gorilla habitat. As long as you pass those, you'll find the building."


The man thanks the employee and heads toward to the bear habitat.


"Woah! These bears are so majestic and amazing! Look at how big they are too!" he thought to himself as he walked past their habitat.


He then walked towards the monkey habitat.


"I never really liked monkeys. At least I know I'm going the right way" he said as he quickly walked past the monkey habitat.


Soon enough, he stumbled upon the gorilla habitat.


"Those gorillas are huge! But what's that over there...?"


There stood a big, muscular man in a zookeeper uniform covered in hair from head to toe. He was about 6½ feet tall and looked just like a gorilla.


"This zookeeper seems to be heading towards the same building I am", said the man as he approached the zookeeper, maintaining a disturbed stare.


As he passes the zookeper, he glances towards his nametag and reads "Oscar".


"This must be Oscar Cocks! I can't believe I ran into another Oscar while looking for Oscar!" thought the man with an amused smile on his face.


After a short walk, the man finally arrives at the building with the zookeeper right behind him. He enters the building and even holds the door open for the zookeeper as they greet each other with a smile. The man is then greeted by his buddy as soon as he walks inside.


"Hey buddy! How've ya been? I'm glad you could make it! You managed to get here on your own too!"


"I'm good! I asked for help from an employee on where to find you. I even have a little story I wanna tell ya." He then whispers "*It's about a guy who has the same name as you. He's the guy who I held the door open for earlier. He might hear us if we talk in here*". He then continues, "So what do you say we go out and grab some lunch?"


"Sounds good to me but give me a while and let me get my stuff. I've been working on this insect habitat all day and it's HUGE. We had to move a bunch of insects around just to make room for the construction. We used barrels for spiders, buckets for ladybugs and that crate you see over there is for grasshoppers among other things. In the mean time, why don't you have a look around? I'll be right over there by the habitat. If you need anything or have any questions about something just give me a holler."


Oscar then walked to the nearby habitat that was under construction.


The man strolled around and saw different charts and exhibits about insects. He eventually became bored and decided to lean against what seemed to be a wooden ^pole while waiting for his buddy.


After a while, he feels a tingling sensation all over his body followed by sharp pains. The man turns around to examine the ^pole and notices hundreds upon hundreds of insects crawling about on its surface. As he frantically tries to identify if the bugs nibbling on him are venomous or not, all the while trying to get the insects off of him, he sees Oscar Cocks along with a bunch of other zookeepers making their way towards him.


"Crap! If the zookeepers find out that I've been squishing their insects, I'll be in big trouble! I need Oscar's help! But if I called out Oscar's name, the zookeeper might be the one to approach me... But at the same time I need to know if these insects are venomous!" The man pauses for a bit and finally reaches an epiphany.


He clears his throat and hollers at his buddy,


"Hey OP, what is this? A post for ants?"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

An idiot was conducting a scientific experiment... ..on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped.

He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wings off and commands to jump again. When the grasshopper jumps, he writes down his observations: "2. After cutting the wings of the grasshopper, the grasshopper jumps at the jump command." He then cuts the legs off and gives the command again; the grasshopper doesn’t jump, just sits still.

He rubs his chin a bit and writes down his observation: "3. After cutting the grasshopper's legs off, the grasshopper loses his sense of hearing."
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Post by BigSaint »

Every animal has its own specific mating call

A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.
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Post by BigSaint »

A knock at the door

Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.

He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him *twice*, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.

On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.

Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty nasty bug going around."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

The young monk talks to his wise master.

Young Monk: "Oh, dear Master, the days pass by and I still can't perfect the art of yoga. Why is that?"

Master: "Well, Do you see the water in a river, flowing effortlessly yet always stronger than the hardest of rocks?"

Monk: "Yes Master."

Master: "Do you see the clouds, giving wonderful shapes and forms with nothing but the external force of the wind?"

Monk: "Yes Master."

Master: "Do you hear the music of the night, offering a symphony of drops, wind, and the croaks of frogs, followed by the strings of the grasshoppers?"

Monk: "Yes Master."

Master: "Then stop wasting time on bulldust and start practicing, you lazy good-for-nothing!"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A Buddhist monk turns to the Dalai Lama for an answer.

A Buddhist monk was pondering what is the difference between a woman and a pearl, but couldn't figure it out. He gave up and decided to ask the Dalai Lama.

"Hmm, interesting question, young grasshopper - said the Dalai Lama. I do not know, but if you give me three days to meditate on this, I might have something for you"

Three days pass, the monk returns and gets this answer:

"The difference, dear son, is that a woman threads only from the front, while a pearl threads from the front *and* from behind."

The monk, a bit embarrassed, says: But, Master, I know of women who thread both from the front and behind.

"Ah, said the Dalai Lama, those are not women, dear pupil, but pearls."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by Crowsnestidaho »

Thanks for whoever edited my joke. I still have a few tricks to learn. :) :roll:

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

A girl once charged me with "Assault With A Dead Weapon".

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Post by BigSaint »

Crowsnestidaho wrote:
05 May 2021 10:15
Thanks for whoever edited my joke. I still have a few tricks to learn. :) :roll:
No worries, 100 posts up well done. :D
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

A tourist in Oxford Street asked a policeman the best way to Selfridges. The cop replied: "put them on Ebay".

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Post by BigSaint »

A man was brought before the court to receive his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

The voice in the back yells:

"You bastaard!"

"For the murder of your daughter with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

"You bastaaard!"

The judge having had enough, calls out the man in the back.

"Sir! I understand your reaction due to the heinousness of these crimes, but I must ask you to be silent or be charged with contempt!"

"I'm sorry, your honor...

It's just that I've been living beside this bastard for 10 whole years and everytime I wanted to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
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I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days.

But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.
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I just got to know that my wife cheated on me with all the jury members of my trial

Can't blame her though, it was a hung jury
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A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”

The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”
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Once upon a time, there was a woodcutting contest. The tasks included plank cutting, stacking and all the sham, everything within 1 hour.

The first contestant shows up.
The jury asks 'Where are you from?'
'I come from England.' the contestant proudly replies.
'Indeed, you come from a land with large forests.'

The English man pulls out a chainsaw and starts cutting. One hour later, the judges start measuring and come up with the result: 30.000 cubic meters.
The jury: 'You've done a wonderful job! You are undoubtedly the winner.'

The second contestant follows.
'Where do you come from?'
'I'm from the US!', the contestant exclaims
'Ah, yes. The great America, many forests.', say the judges.

The American brings a large modern chainsaw that wraps up his whole arm, with incorporated CD drive, on-board controllers and so on and commences the cutting. An hour later, the measurements show up: 50.000 cubic meters.
The jury congratulates the man: 'Great work, champ! The prize is yours! But we still have to wait one hour, as we have established.'

Soon, a dwarf comes up.
'What are YOU doing here?' asks one of the judges.
'Well, I'm here for the contest.' replies the dwarf.
'Ha! Alright... we'll let you compete to chase the boredom away until the competition is over'

The dwarf sharpens his axe and starts cutting wood. To everyone's surprise, the dwarf ends up cutting 100.000 cubic meters.

The judges, amazed: 'WOW! How did you complete such a feat?'
The dwarf modestly responds: 'You know... Training.'
'Where did you say you came from?'
'I come from Greenland', says the dwarf.

'GREENLAND!? There aren't any trees in Greenland!' holler the dumfounded judges, to which the dwarf replies:

'Not anymore, there aren't!'
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Post by BigSaint »

What would you call a jury that takes risk?

Juris-imprudence
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A cannibal who fried another mans testicles was convicted of trying to bribe members of the jury

They didn't accept his teste-money
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Why wasn't Thanos picked for jury duty?

Because he makes snappy judgements!
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Just got a Jury Summons

That’s the last time I do a seance in a court house.
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I got summoned for jury duty today...

When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.

Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".
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I tried to get out of Jury service by arguing that 12 jurors is unfair, It's 2 against 1
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My friend got jury duty.

So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go.

I said "How did you do that?"

He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go.

So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.

Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
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What do they call Jury Duty in Australia?

Didgereedooty
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A woman is being interviewed for jury selection

She says to the judge, “I can’t be on the jury since I don’t believe in capital punishment.”

The judge replies, “Don’t worry, ma’am. This case is about a man who promised his wife an expensive necklace for their anniversary but blew all the money playing roulette.”

“Oh, in that case,” she says. “I change my mind about capital punishment.”
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My friend had his bags stolen on his flight.

He arrived at his destination and went straight to a lawyer to sue someone who he thought did it. When the jury reached their decision he was not happy.

He lost his case!
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A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court hearing. After hours of trial and testimony, E emerged, innocent in the eyes of the court. He was absolved of all charges.

Everyone wondered how he managed to pull it off.

There is a reason he is called Mr E.
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