Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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BigSaint
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.
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Post by BigSaint »

It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant...for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”.

The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”
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Post by BigSaint »

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin:
Well, these are just minor issues.


Prime Minister:
Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!
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Post by BigSaint »

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.
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Post by BigSaint »

What does Jeff Bezos do right before bed time?

He puts his pjamazon.
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Post by BigSaint »

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts.

Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologizes again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
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Post by BigSaint »

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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Post by BigSaint »

Lets face it English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, How Come Fingers Don't Fing.

If The Plural Of Tooth Is Teeth

Shouldn't The Plural Of Phone Booth Be Phone Beeth

If The Teacher Taught,

Why Didn't The Preacher Praught.

If A Vegetarian Eats Vegetables

What The Heck Does A Humanitarian Eat!?

Why Do People Recite At A Play

Yet Play At A Recital?

Park On Driveways And

Drive On Parkways

How Can The Weather Be As Hot As Hell On One Day

And As Cold As Hell On Another

You Have To Marvel At The Unique Lunacy

Of A Language Where A House Can Burn Up As

It Burns Down

And In Which You Fill In A Form

By Filling It Out

And A Bell Is Only Heard Once It Goes!

English Was Invented By People, Not Computers

And It Reflects The Creativity Of The Human Race

(Which Of Course Isn't A Race At All)

That Is Why

When The Stars Are Out They Are Visible

But When The Lights Are Out They Are Invisible

And Why It Is That When I Wind Up My Watch

It Starts

But When I Wind Up This Poem

It Ends.
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Post by BigSaint »

A Chinese and a Jew sit next to each other in a bar. Out of nowhere, the Jew slaps the Chinese across the face.

The Chinese goes: "What was that about?"

The Jew responds: "That was for Pearl Harbor"

The Chinese: "Wait, I am from China."

The Jew: "Japanese, Chinese, all the same."

After a while the Chinese punches the Jew in the face and says: "That! Was for the Titanic."

The Jew confused: "The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg."

The Chinese: "Iceberg, Goldberg, all the same."
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Post by BigSaint »

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
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Post by BigSaint »

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.
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Post by BigSaint »

A Tibetan monk was making his morning toast when he saw, in the margarine, the face of Jesus.

He gasped and said, "I can't believe it's not Buddha."
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Post by BigSaint »

I had a mudpack facial done and for three days my face looked much better...

then the mud fell off.
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Post by BigSaint »

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor, "Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, physically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be something you can do to help me..."

"Well, it's not very ethical, but there's this experimental drug we need to test" the doctor takes a vial from a drawer "this is a very potent aphrodisiac. Just one drop in a glass of water is enough to awaken the libido of a dying man. When you feel it's a special night and you want to have sex with your husband, try and pour one drop in his glass, and I can guarantee that you will see a new life in him"

"Oh thank you doctor, thank you so much. Tomorrow it's our anniversary, what better night to try it out?"

Two days pass. The morning after the fated night, the woman goes back to the doctor. She appears disheveled, barely being able to walk.

"Wh-what happened?" Asks the doctor, visibly worried

"Oh, doctor, I feel so sad... Yesterday, while we were having dinner, I waited for him to go to the toilet and, as you suggested, I hastily poured one drop of the drug in his water glass. But then I thought: what if this is not enough? It's been a LONG time since he's shown any passion towards me. So I poured another drop."

"Wait, two drops?? But it's dangerous, we don't know what can happen if more than one drop is used!"

"But then I felt so insecure, what if he doesn't like my body anymore? Is two drops really enough? I panicked, and I emptied the whole vial in the glass of water."

"......"

"He came back from the toilet, sat down and took a good sip from the glass. He froze, eyes wide. The glass fell from his hand. He stared at me like a predator stares at its prey. Then it happened. He violently threw away everything that was on the table, snorting and roaring. Grabbed me, slammed me on the bare table, tore off my clothes as well as his and proceeded to have his way with me, making animal sounds I had never heard him make."

"I'm so sorry for you, it must have been terrible"

"Oh no, doctor. It was the best sex I've ever had in 30 years of marriage. I orgasmed multiple times in a matter of minutes, I saw a rough, untamed side of my husband that I thought didn't exist."

"Wait, you enjoyed it? Then why did you say you were sad?"

"Well, it was our favourite restaurant, I doubt we'll be able to show our faces again there..."
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Post by BigSaint »

A Quickie...

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,

"A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,

"Um, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE.'"
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Post by bazza4338 »

The inventor of the umbrella was actually just going to call it brella

But he hesitated

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Post by Ubobo.R.O. »

2021-06-08_101712.jpg
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You gottem birds, butterflies, shells, maps, flags and heads on stamps ? Me wantem !

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Post by Waffle »

Although I know where those "JOKES' came from, They are on a par with many of BigSaint's doctor and whale jokes. Not fit for human consumption.
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Post by BigSaint »

So Dr Waffle just how long have you been eating humans & whales :?: :shock: :lol:

You must have liked the joke about Jonah & the whale then. It would be something like a sandwich for you. :lol:
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Post by BigSaint »

I get it now Dr Waffle. You had people over for dinner & had a whale of a time. :lol:
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Post by bazza4338 »

Why, in the game of chess can Bishops only move diagonally?

Because North, South, East and West are Cardinal directions.

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Post by BigSaint »

Q: How do you know if a man has one testicle larger than the other?

A: He keeps walking around in circles. :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Post by BigSaint »

A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do..he's in too far:."
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Post by BigSaint »

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some 4-5 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to know its the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound

But he can't tell you cause you're not a monk.
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Post by BigSaint »

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."
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Post by BigSaint »

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him.

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir"
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Post by BigSaint »

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”
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Post by BigSaint »

There was a slightly long bridge, wide enough for only one car and one day, two cars tried to cross over from opposite directions and met at the middle of the bridge, obviously unable to get past the other......

One driver poked his head out of his window and yelled - "I don't make way for idiots!"

The second guy rolled his window down and yelled back - "I do!" and backed up his car..
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Post by BigSaint »

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.

"3:45 PM", he said.
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Post by BigSaint »

What kind of car would a mouse or rat drive?

A Mouse-or-ratty
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Post by BigSaint »

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
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Post by BigSaint »

A traveling salesman was driving through the countryside when his car broke down.

Without phone service, he walked a couple miles to a farm house where he knocked on the door.

The old farmer answered and the salesman told him of his situation.

The farmer says. "It's getting late, but your welcome to spend the night. We'll call the tow truck in the morning.
The salesman says, "Thanks, I know the drill I'll sleep in the barn."

The farmer says, "Nonsense, the wife done run off with the bread man and my three daughters graduated from college, got married and moved out. You can sleep in one of the empty bedrooms."

The salesman sighs, "Damn it to hell, I'm in the wrong joke!"
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Post by BigSaint »

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.
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Post by BigSaint »

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic, patronising smirk and asked: "What's your hurry?"

She Replied; "I'm Late For Work!"

"Oh Yeah?", Said The Cop, "What Do You Do?"

"I'm A Rectum Stretcher," She Responded

The Cop Stammered, "A-What...?"

"A Rectum Stretcher!"

"And Just What Does A Rectum Stretcher Do?"

"Well," She Said, "I Start By Inserting One Finger In The Rectum, Then Work My Way Up To Two Fingers, Then Three, Then Four. Then With My Whole Hand In I Work From Side To Side Until I Can Get Both Hands In, Then I Slowly But Surely Stretch It, Until It's About 6 Feet Wide."

"And Just What The HELL Do You Do With A 6 Foot Arsehole?!" The Cop Asked

"You Give Him A Radar Gun And Park Him Behind A Bridge"
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Post by BigSaint »

What does the mechanic say after he's fixed your car's horn?

Beep repaired.
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Post by BigSaint »

A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.

"What's the story?" she asked.

"Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied.

"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.
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Post by BigSaint »

My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.
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Post by BigSaint »

WANTED: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

It’s safe to say the police are working tirelessly to catch him.
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Post by BigSaint »

What do you call a broken car?

Nothing! You call a mechanic.
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A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”
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Post by BigSaint »

I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI. They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We Are Going To Give You A Sobriety Test.

Me: OK

Officer: Say The Alphabet Starting At L, Backward.

Me: L At Starting Alphabet The.

They Let Me Go.
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Post by BigSaint »

What type of belly button does a car have?

An Audi.
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A man was found electrocuted, with only a car battery in the room.

Police are still looking for leads.
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3 nuns died in a car accident.

They reached to the gates of heaven but St.Peter said "so I know you are people of the cloth but I decided that I am not going to just let people in, I'm going to give you a test".

So he goes to the youngest nun and says "who was the first man on earth". Nun 1: "Adam" a hand reaches out and pulls her in.

He goes to the middle aged nun and says "who was the first woman on earth". Nun 2: "Eve" a hand reaches out and pulls her in.

He goes to the oldest nun and says "since you are the eldest you are going to get a hard question, what were Eve's first words to Adam?" Nun 3: "that is a hard one". A hand reaches out and pulls her in.
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Post by bazza4338 »

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

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Post by Ubobo.R.O. »

2021-06-15_100635.jpg
Full time horse non-whisperer, post box searcher and lichen covered granite rock percher. Gee I'm handsome !
You gottem birds, butterflies, shells, maps, flags and heads on stamps ? Me wantem !

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Post by BigSaint »


Nobody was home!
Nobody was home!
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Post by BigSaint »

Lawyer vs. Water Fowl
What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?







Stick his bill up his Ass
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Post by BigSaint »

Did you hear about the group of waterfowl that started having an orgy?

They really got their ducks in a row
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Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize", they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
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