Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts.

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees
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What’s the oldest age someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.
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Post by BigSaint »

Age brings wisdom.

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by.
The dog immediately settles down to chew on the bones turning his back to the approaching leopard.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog loudly says:
"My, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard slinks away.
"That was too close," thought the leopard, "that dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a mischievous monkey had observed the entire scene, and decided to cause trouble for the dog, while getting on the good side of the leopard as well.

The monkey dashed off after the leopard, to tell him what truly happened.

The dog saw the monkey dash off, and suspiciously tailed him from behind.

He overhears the monkey spilling the beans, and quickly decides on a course of action, racing back to the pile of bones.

At the same time, the leopard has decided to take care of the dog once and for all.

The monkey hops on the leopard's back, to watch the demise of the doomed dog.

As the leopard approaches, he can hear the dog talking to himself:
"Where's that lazy monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago for another leopard, and he's still not back!"
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A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”
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There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up.

So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 6.”
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Age 0-2: Getting your child to talk and walk

Age 4-6: Getting them to talk and run around less

Age 15-17: Getting them to talk and move more
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A middle aged lady has a medical check-up for the first time in her life and when she arrives back home she tells her husband:

For thirty years I thought those were orgasms but it turns out I have asthma.
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There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said.

The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
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During the Middle Ages, a young prince is relaxing in his palace waiting for a love letter from a princess in the next kingdom.

A pigeon flies in holding a letter in its beak. The prince takes the letter, opens it and reads:

"Limited time special: Get your sword polished for only 5 gold coins."
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At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver's license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money...

At age 40, success is having money.

At age 55, success is having sex.

At age 70, success is having a driver's license.

At age 75, success is having friends.

At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.

At age 100, success is being alive.
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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.

The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out and says hello. The gym guy then say “This is Jenny, she’s our Silver Motivation. In 6 months time, if you can catch her in a 5km race, you get to have sex with her”

The guy thinks “wow, that is motivating”, and asks what the Gold motivation is. The gym guy calls back to the office and an absolutely stunning brunette come out. “This is Hayley, she’s out Gold Motivation. In 6 months time, if you can catch her in a 5km race, you get to have sex with her”

At the point the guy is absolutely amazed, and says “If this is gold standard, then I’ll take the Platinum please!”.

The guy from the gym says “OK, if you’re sure!” and calls out the back. A burly, hairy, 6ft4in tall guy strolls out. “This is Boris, our Platinum motivation. In 6 months time, if he can catch you in a 5km race, he gets to have sex with you”
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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active sex life".

The 80-year old man laughs and shakes his head. "What a sad pair you two make. I'm an old fart and I bang my wife almost every day of the week". The other two look at him in disbelief. "It's true", he says, "almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday,..."
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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?”

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'

He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
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Post by BigSaint »

As male porn stars age they learn one thing...

You’re either working hard, or you’re hardly working.
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At my age.

An all nighter means I don't have to get up for a Pee.
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What age were you when you realized you wanted to be a dancer?

I think I was around 5, 6, 7, 8
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A short nap once in awhile can prevent old age

Especially while driving
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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.

"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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Ageing: Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and remembered why I went in there

Granted, it was the bathroom, but still ...
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How does an old pirate say his age?

I’ Matey
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What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common?

When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."
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John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."
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Mr. Johnson decided to go yachting one day, when he became lost.

After being out at sea for three days, Mr. Johnson looked up and saw a huge cruise ship sailing towards him. The enormous ship halted next to the yacht.

"Thank goodness you showed up!" shouted Mr. Johnson. "I've been lost for three days."

The captain looked down from the ship and said, "You think *you* are lost?"
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A wealthy Frenchman was showing me his yachts...

“This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six... “

“What happened to 5?” I asked

“Cinq”
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I’m writing a rock song about a guy out at sea, looking down at another guy’s smaller yacht.
I’m going to call it “smirk on the water”.
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What's the difference between a Yacht and a Boat?

$100 Million Dollars
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Building yachts

I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof
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The Mistress

A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?

"Oh", replies the husband casually, "She's my mistress."

"Why you son of a bitch, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I'm done with you, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," he says, "but remember, divorce means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas and no more yacht club. ....But, the decision is yours, my dear."

At that moment, George, a friend of husband, shows up at the same restaurant with a gorgeous blonde babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with George?" demands the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier", she replies.
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John, Paddy and Scott are on a trip in Saudi Arabia.

Paddy is driving his little red car, which has seen better days. John and Scott are drunk in the back.

Suddenly, ahead of them, they see an oil well on fire.

The firefighters are unsuccessfully trying to extinguish the flames.

Paddy drives straight over the well, blocking the oxygen and putting the fire out. John and Scott cheer him on.

The oil company is so grateful, they reward them with $100,000 each.

A reporter interviews the three. He asks John "How are you so brave? "
John proudly replies "I'm English."
"And what will you be buying with your reward?"
John smiles "A yacht."

Next, the reporter turns to Scott "How are you so brave?
Scott proudly replies "I'm Scottish."
"And what will you be buying with your reward?"
Scott smiles "My own pub."

Finally, the reporter turns to Paddy. "You, the driver, bravest of all! Where do you get such courage?"
Paddy proudly replies "I'm Irish."
"And what will you be buying with your reward?"

Paddy frowns "New brakes for my little red car."
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Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 4 people? I'm still looking for 2 more adults to join me and my wife.

We leave early Saturday morning (Feb 6th) from New York and will fly to Boston , where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht.

Then we’ll do a flight along the coast, up to Cape Elizabeth returning to Boston for dinner, then fly back home. If interested, please message me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go.
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A man goes on his honeymoon on his new yacht.

He raises his glass and says to his new wife 'Here's to happiness together' and she replies 'And to our new Yakt'.

'The C is silent' the man tells his wife.

His wife replies, 'Yes, it is lovely this time of year'
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What do you call Fidel Castro's yacht?

A dictatorship
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President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht.

The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."

The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported:

"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"
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What did the little boat say to the yacht?

Can I interest you in a little row-mance.
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Post by BigSaint »

An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end of the tour, he showed his friends his most infamous collection, a miniature of Amazon jungle complete with a straight pool filled with piranhas and alligators.

The man then said to them, “Tell you what, if any one of you dared to jump into the pool and swam all the way to the other side, I’ll give all of you my all money.”

His friends stay quiet, all the while looking down. Enjoying the defeated looks of his friends, the man once more proclaimed, “Okay, how about I’ll give you my money, and this estate.”

Still, silence amongst his friends. “I'll give you all my money, my estate, and all my properties.”

Nothing.

The man, finally too full of himself, said to his friends one last time, “I’ll give you all my assets and everything you want from me.”

Crickets chirp.

The man, feeling victorious, said, “so be it then”. He turned back to lead his friends back inside the house when suddenly he hears a splashing sound. He turned around to see one of his friends swimming down the pool. He knows this man, his name is Sam. He was the most physically fit of all his high school friends yet also the quietest one.

The man watches as Sam swims while fighting all the alligators and piranhas just like in an action movie. He kicked and bit and punched all the alligators and piranhas that are trying to kill him. When he reached mid-point, the others cheer loudly for him. When he’s near the edge of the pool, the wealthy man became nervous and got a cold sweat. Finally, when Sam reached the edge of the pool and climbed up, others start to shout and jumped around.

The wealthy man sighed in defeat. He walked to Sam and asked him, “my friend, what you just did is nothing short of a miracle. Do tell me, what do you want from me? Is it my money that you want?”

Sam, panting, simply shakes his head.

“Is it my estate and all my properties that you want?”

Sam, still panting, again shakes his head.

“Is it all my assets and all my wealth that you want?”

Sam, about to get his breath back, once more shakes his head.

The wealthy man is now confused and he asked Sam, “Tell me then, what is it that you want?” and upon hearing this question, Sam replied,

“I want to know who bloody pushed me”
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Post by BigSaint »

Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"
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Post by BigSaint »

They say money doesn't buy happiness but money could buy me some yachts and that would at least give me some *fleet*ing joy
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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up.

The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.

The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.

The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.

The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot... don't you have something to share about your son?"

The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort..." They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though - just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new freakin' house!"
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So, there was once a man named Frank who lived in South Florida, and his life was virtually ideal. He had a beautiful wife and two kids, lived in a very nice home on the intracoastal waterway, and had a very successful yacht sales business. However, he had one problem that had plagued him his whole life, egrets. These common herons had stalked him since he was born. As a baby at the beach they pecked at his legs and caused them to bleed, when his mother wasn't watching. As a teenager they constantly pooped on his car and his dates, which killed his romantic pursuits. And when he started his yacht business, they were always nesting in the canopies and destroying the interiors, which raised his business insurance costs. He really hated them.

So, one day he couldn't take it anymore and spontaneously decided to move to Wyoming. His wife hated it though, and she ended up leaving with the kids. Since yacht sales was all he knew, he had a hard time finding work in the landlocked state. Eventually his savings ran out, and he had to move into a less than modest shack in a desolate area of the state. It was much different than he was accustomed to.

An old friend named Tom who Frank had known a long time was in the region and decided to look him up, but when he saw his friend's living conditions and the other difficult situations being dealt with, he couldn't help but become concerned. "Frank"! he exclaimed. "I can't believe you're living like this. You have always been a rational person, and now you have turned your life upside down". Frank said, "It's okay Tom". "No, Frank, it's not. Aren't you upset about the family you have lost, your business destroyed, that beautiful house gone forever"? Frank simply looked up at him and said, "No Egrets".
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Post by BigSaint »

A wealthy man was on an expensive yacht which was approaching the middle of the Atlantic.

The man approached the captain of the ship.

'I used to have one of these ships, you know,' he began.

'Really, son? Where is it now?' the captain replied.

'Pretty much right underneath us, at the bottom of the sea rusting.'

'What, did it sink, son?'

'Yes. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that both my parents were on it at the time,' he said, glumly.

'I'm so sorry, lad. What were their names?'

'Robert and Dorothy. Do you mind if we slow down the ship for a while when I say so that I can have a prayer for them? I want to apologise for how I neglected them.'

'Of course, son. I'll join you as well.'

So the captain and the wealthy man went to the side of the ship and looked down into the sea.

'Mom and Dad, I'm so sorry for neglecting you. You brought me up, helped me get to where I am but I failed to show any appreciation. I thought so much of myself when buying a 12 million pound yacht, but never did I consider your roll in-'

'12 million!?' the captain shouted. 'Your bastard parents sold it to me for 80 million!'
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Post by BigSaint »

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven, where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."

"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.

"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.

Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."
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American, French, Italian and Russian male, with Spanish female are on a yacht for travel around the world..
.
After a while, the men gathered to decide and find out who will be courting the Spanish lady.

The American said:

-I will do it, I am the richest, and you know that who pays, he gets the goods!

The Frenchman:

-No, I'll be courting her, as a Frenchman, we are the most loving nation.

The Italian:

-We have nothing to argue, I'll be courting her. I'm an Italian anyway. It's in our nature.

The Russian man sits silently and drinks his beer. The others rounded him and asked:

-Why are you silent?

-I've been screwing her for two weeks now, and I did not know I should have been courting her too!
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Post by BigSaint »

I told my friend I was an origami black belt? He laughed..

He wasn't laughing any more when I folded him into a &[at]#%ing yacht...
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by agondocz »

Hi,

Reporter: “Are you a pole vaulter?

Athlete: “No, I’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”

Best wishes,
AndrewG

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Post by BigSaint »

Me: I want to learn more about corals.

Librarian: You’ll find them under C.

Me: I already know where they live. I wanna learn more.
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Post by BigSaint »

A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printers were.

I said, "Dude, it's 2021, you can use any printer you want."
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Post by BigSaint »



A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people"
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Post by BigSaint »

A man walks in to a library and asks for a book on suicide

The librarian says "Get out of here, you won't bring it back"
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Post by BigSaint »

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.
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