Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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bazza4338
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Post by bazza4338 »

If that Trump gets re-elected, I'm going to Mexico

but not by choice though

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Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

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My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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I used to be a man stuck in a women's body.

Then my mom gave birth to me

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A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

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Post by bazza4338 »

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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The other day I was arrested for pretending I was a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing

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What do you call an Irishman who builds outdoor chairs?

Paddy O’Furniture.

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Did you know there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

Which is ironic really. You can say the same about the Virgin Islands.

There's no canaries there either.

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Why does Edward Woodward have 4 D's in his name?

Because if he didn't he'd be called E war woo war

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Post by bazza4338 »

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

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Post by bazza4338 »

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road
when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who
asked, "Are you okay"?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with
cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the
car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage
that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like
me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have
any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken
and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a
couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I
feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so
I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't
know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."

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Post by bazza4338 »

Knock knock. Who's there? Hawaii. Hawaii who? I'm fine, Hawaii you?
Knock knock. Who's there? Voodoo. Voodoo who? Voodoo you think you are, asking me so many questions?
Knock knock. Who's there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business.
Knock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? God bless you.
Knock knock. Who's there? Mustache. Mustache who? Mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later
Knock knock. Who's there? Amish. Amish who? Really? You don't look like a shoe.
Knock knock. Who's there? Gorilla. Gorilla who? Gorilla me a hamburger.
Knock knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome.
Knock knock. Who's there? Turnip. Turnip who? Turnip the volume, I love this song!
Knock knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us. Open up!
Knock knock.Who's there? Daisy! Daisy who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin'.
Knock knock. Who's there? Aida. Aida who? Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Knock knock. Who's there? Cargo. Cargo who? No, car go "beep beep"!
Knock knock. Who's there? Icing. Icing who? Icing so loud, the neighbors can hear.
Knock knock. Who's there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase.
Knock knock. Who's there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you!
Knock knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Dang! All this time, I had no idea you could yodel.
Knock knock. Who's there? Keith! Keith who? Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in it's cold out here.
Knock knock. Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald my bubble gum!
Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Hey, don't cry!
Knock knock. Who's there? An extraterrestrial. An extraterrestrial who? Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
Knock knock. Who's there? Police. Police who? Police stop telling these awful knock knock jokes!
Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice door open or what?
Knock knock. Who's there? Control Freak. Con— Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?!"
Knock knock. Who's there? Theodore! Theodore who? Theodore wasn't open so I knocked.
Knock knock. Who's there? Yah. Yah who? No thanks, I use Bing or Google.
Knock knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow use. I forgot my name again!
Knock knock. Who's there? Robin. Robin who? Robin you, now hand over the cash!
Knock knock. Who's there? Pecan! Pecan who? Pecan somebody your own size!
Knock knock. Who's there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub already. I'm drowning!
Knock knock. Who's there? Annie. Annie who? Annie way you can let me in now?
Knock knock. Who's there? Cantaloupe! Cantaloupe who? Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Knock knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, fine. W-H-O.
Knock knock. Who's there? Water. Water who? Water those plants or they're going to die!
Knock knock. Who's there? Euripides. Euripides who? Euripides jeans, you pay for 'em.
Knock knock. Who's there? Closure. Closure who? Closure mouth while you're chewing!
Knock knock. Who's there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, but I'd love some peanuts!
Knock knock. Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I don't care who knows it!
Knock knock. Who's there? Tyrone. Tyrone who? Tyrone shoelaces!
Knock knock. Who's there? Figs! Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it's broken!
Knock knock. Who's there? Ho-ho. Ho-ho who? You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.
Knock knock. Who's there? Yacht. Yacht who? Yacht to know me by now!
Knock knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes a nice place you got here.
Knock knock. Who's there? Mikey! Mikey who? Mikey doesn't fit in the keyhole!
Knock knock. Who's there? Owls say. Owls say who? Yes, they do.
Knock knock. Who's there? Déja. Déja who? Knock knock!
Knock knock. Who's there? Mike Snifferpippets. Mike Snifferpippets who? Oh come on, how many Mike Snifferpippets do you know?
Knock knock. Who's there? Sherlock. Sherlock who? Sherlock your door tight.
Knock knock. Who's there? Rhino! Rhino who? Rhino every knock knock joke there is!
Knock knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, thou looketh tired!
Knock knock. Who's there? Leena. Leena who? Leena little close and I will tell you!
Knock knock. Who's there? Juno. Juno who? Juno I love you, right?
Knock knock. Who's there? Witches. Witches who? Witches the way to the store.
Knock knock. Who's there? Beets! Beets who? Beets me!
Knock knock. Who's there? To. To who? It's to whom.
Knock knock. Who's there? Avenue. Avenue who? Avenue seen it coming?
Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? Never mind, there's no point!
Knock knock. Who's there? Ice Cream Soda. Ice Cream Soda who? Ice Cream Soda whole neighborhood can hear!
Knock knock. Who's there? Egg. Egg who? Eggstremely disappointed you still don't recognize me.
Knock knock. Who's there? Zany. Zany who? Zany body home?

Knock knock. Who's there? Teresa. Teresa who? Teresa are green!
Knock knock. Who's there? Iran. Iran who? Iran over here to tell you this!

Knock knock. Who's there? Dozen. Dozen who? Dozen anybody want to let me in?!
Knock knock. Who's there? Amanda. Amanda who? Amanda fix your sink!
Knock knock. Who's there? Nun. Nun who? Nun your business!
Knock knock. Who's there? Jess. Jess who? Jess cut the talking and open the door!
Knock knock. Who's there? Me. Me who? Having an identity crisis, are you?
Knock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you!
Knock knock. Who's there? Zoom. Zoom who? Zoom did you expect!
Knock knock. Who's there? FBI. FB… We're asking the questions here.
Knock knock. Who's there? Mikey. Mikey who? Mikey got lost; open up!
Knock knock. Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben hoping I can come in!
Knock knock. Who's there? Cook. Cook who? Yeah, you do sound crazy!
Knock knock. Who's there? Noise. Noise who? Noise to see you!
Knock knock. Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good place we can go get lunch?
Knock knock. Who's there? Leaf. Leaf who? Leaf me alone!
Knock knock. Who's there? Aaron. Aaron who? Why Aaron you opening the door?
Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you even going to open the door!
Knock knock. Who's there? Woo. Woo who? Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.
Knock knock. Who's there? Yukon. Yukon who? Yukon say that again!
Knock knock. Who's there? Amarillo. Amarillo who? Amarillo nice guy.
Knock knock. Who's there? Andrew! Andrew who? Andrew a picture!
Knock knock. Who's there? Armageddon. Armageddon who? Armageddon a little bored. Let's go out.
Knock knock. Who's there? Bruce. Bruce who? I Bruce easily, don't hit me !
Knock knock.Who's there? Butter. Butter who? Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
Knock knock. Who's there? Bed. Bed who? Bed you can't guess who I am!
Knock knock. Who's there? CD. CD who? CD guy on your doorstep?
Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cow's go who? No, silly. Cows go "moo!"
Knock knock. Who's there ? Dishes! Dishes who? Dishes the Police come out with your hands up.
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting doctor. Inter– You've got cancer.
Knock knock. Who's there? Ears. Ears who? Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Knock knock. Who's there? Ferdie! Ferdie who? Ferdie last time open this door!
Knock knock. Who's there? Iona. Iona who? Iona new car!
Knock knock. Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor you let me in or I'll climb through the window.
Knock knock. Who's there? Keanu. Keanu who? Keanu let me in, it's cold out here !
Knock knock. Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? Actually, it's kangaroo!
Knock knock. Who's there? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
Knock knock. Who's there? A little boy. A little boy who? A little boy who can't reach the doorbell.
Knock knock. Who's there? Lion. Lion who? Lion on your doorstep, open up!

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I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

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Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?

My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

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Post by bazza4338 »

What starts with T, ends with T and has T in it?

A teapot

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Post by bazza4338 »

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: March 1st

Me: walking around the room "when is your birthday?"

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Post by BigSaint »

A topical one:

Remember Tom Hanks survived 4 years on an island as a castaway. He spent a year in an airport without being able to leave. Caught aids in Philadelphia. He was in World War II & rescued Private Ryan. He went to Vietnam & rescued Lieutenant Dan. Was on a boat kidnapped by Somali pirates. Survived Apollo 13 trying to reach the moon. Landed a Boeing on the Hudson River. If he dies of coronavirus, then we are all in trouble.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

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There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

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Post by bazza4338 »

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can stuff themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

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I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... scaring men is easy.

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Trump says he’s a self-made man.

I think it’s decent of him to take the blame.

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I have always suspected that people are selfish and during disasters will only look after number 1...

...but the Corona virus is proving they are more concerned with number 2's.

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I was feeling lonely

until I glued my coffee cup onto my car, now, everyone waves at me..

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Post by bazza4338 »

English can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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Post by bazza4338 »

The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.

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Post by bazza4338 »

A "Wellerism" is an expression that comedically uses a saying in the wrong situation, such as "We'll have to rehearse that, said the undertaker as the coffin fell out of the car." or "So I see, said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw."

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"Simply remarkable," said the teacher when asked his opinion about the new dry-erase board.


"I stand corrected," said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

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"It's all coming back to me now," Captain Smith remarked after he spat into the wind.

"Eureka!" Archimedes said to the skunk.

"I hope I made myself clear," said the water as it passed through the filter.

"My business is looking good," said the model.

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“I’m at my wit’s end,” said the king as he trod on the jester’s toe.

“These are grave charges,” murmured the hopeless one, as he perused the bill for the burial of his mother-in-law.

"Let's dig up that body," said Tom gravely.

"I bet you have no diamonds, clubs, or spades," said Tom heartlessly.

"This tastes bad, Herb," said Tom sagely.

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in', but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your bottom?

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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee for insufficient funds when they know you don't have enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for execution by lethal injection?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put 'S's in the word 'lisps'?

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How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

"And I like Venus de Milo," he said disarmingly.

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only pleas

Post by bazza4338 »

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The water; butane is lighter fluid..

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What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

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I think my coworkers are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass"

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The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”

Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!”

So the Pope slapped him.

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A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.

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A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.

A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.

The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"

"It's hard to say." . .

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They told me I wouldn’t be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

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Guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?

Everybody

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Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her.

E = M.C.²

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

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I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

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I recently swapped all the labels on my wife's spice rack, she hasn't noticed yet

But the thyme is cumin.

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I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo

A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

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I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

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Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce

When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

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