Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 09 Apr 2020 12:21

My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair..

Guess who came crawling back

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 09 Apr 2020 12:22

I asked my neighbour who is in her 80s if she needed to go to the store during these times.

She said yes and was super happy that I asked, so I gave her my shopping list and money.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 09 Apr 2020 12:23

What is muffins spelled backwards?

Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 09 Apr 2020 12:24

How did you meet your husband?

I’m a pharmacist. He came to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

Only after we got married, I realised he stutters!

samcam · Post by **samcam** » 12 Apr 2020 01:20

A man takes his wife to get tested for COVID-19

Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?

Doctor: Take her for a long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 12 Apr 2020 18:52

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'

'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 12 Apr 2020 18:54

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 12 Apr 2020 18:55

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 12 Apr 2020 18:56

A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers

“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.”

“Can you tell me what comes after three?”

“Four”

“What comes after six?”

“Seven”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.

What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 12 Apr 2020 18:57

I just passed my drug test.

My dealer has some explaining to do.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 12 Apr 2020 18:58

Why don't the Chinese gamble?

Because they don't like Tibet.

MrSamoa · Post by **MrSamoa** » 13 Apr 2020 21:43

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD that....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 28 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally.......

My friend was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, his savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., He called the Suicide Hotline. He got a call center in Pakistan, and when he told them he was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if he could drive a truck

Night Watchman · Post by **Night Watchman** » 13 Apr 2020 22:21

*

GB: Stamp: FDC 1979 Police issue single from set of 4 postmarked 26 September 1979 Hereford.
Hand Painted cover by E.R. Saunders, Bodenham.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:11

I tried to donate blood today... NEVER AGAIN!

So many questions,

Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitised before you filled it with blood.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:11

I donated blood today. Doctor took too much. Never go to Dr. Acula

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:12

I hated the quarantine at first. Then I realized I have everything I need at my house, and I slowly started loving the isolation.

Probably it’s stock home syndrome.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:13

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbour pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbours buys a gun."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:14

Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:16

A blonde takes her car to be fixed. After the mechanic is done with his work he said "Nothing serious m'am, just crap in the gas tank." The blonde asks "How often?"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:17

After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:18

What did the drummer name his daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:21

H2O is water, H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, what is H2O4?

Drinking

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:22

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.

Wait, she's back. She just went for coffee.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 14 Apr 2020 07:24

I am afraid of elevators

So I take steps to avoid them

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 17 Apr 2020 19:11

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 17 Apr 2020 19:12

Guy walks into a bar

Lucky bastard

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 17 Apr 2020 19:12

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 17 Apr 2020 19:13

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 17 Apr 2020 19:13

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 17 Apr 2020 19:14

Glass coffins - will they be popular?

Remains to be seen!

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 17 Apr 2020 19:15

What sound does an airplane make in a bouncy castle?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:36

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:36

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:37

I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.

He said, "It's Private."

I said, "Come on, you can tell me."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:37

A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.

I haven't heard from him since.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:39

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:39

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “OK, where are you from, jackass?”

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:40

I just burnt myself making Hawaiian pizza

I should have put it on Aloha Temperature.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:41

My wife made me a millionaire.

What were you before you married her?

A billionaire.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Apr 2020 18:43

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...

All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:40

I hate when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:40

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:41

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls.

Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:41

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:42

A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"

And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:43

The son asks his mother: "Hey mom, have you seen my parrot?"

Mom: "No, but I now understand why the cat started talking."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:44

Good pickup line.

Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung. The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck." He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:45

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The water. Butane is lighter fluid

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:45

My wife gets really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction...

So I packed up my things and right...

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 20 Apr 2020 18:46

So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job...

...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem.