Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 15 May 2020 16:08

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 15 May 2020 16:09

What did O say to Q?

"Dude, tuck that back in!"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 15 May 2020 16:10

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 15 May 2020 16:12

Guy walks up to a widow at her husbands funeral and says, “May I just say one word?”

“Sure,” she replies.

“Plethora,” the guy says.

The widow says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 15 May 2020 16:12

Two Chinese Guys Break Into a Distillery

After breaking open the first cask, one guy looks at his friend and asks: "Is this whiskey?"

His friend replies: "Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 15 May 2020 16:15

Who told you...

I was paranoid?

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 May 2020 16:34

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 May 2020 16:35

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 May 2020 16:36

My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding

After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 May 2020 16:37

I went to a doctor complaining of hearing problems

The doctor said “okay describe the symptoms” so I replied “no problem mate Homer’s ͏͏͏fat and Marge has blue hair”

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 May 2020 16:39

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean ...

The guy is a legend.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 May 2020 16:41

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 May 2020 16:43

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”.

Good that he will not bother me anymore.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 May 2020 16:45

What do women and hand grenades have in common?

If you take off the ring, your house is gone.

erich · Post by **erich** » 10 Jun 2020 09:24

A mother and her 5-year-old Little Johnny were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
Little Johnny (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant
“If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The flight attendant responded,
“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
Little Johnny said,
“Yes, she did.”
“Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you.”

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 12 Jun 2020 13:22

Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks:

"How many wives are we allowed to have?"

His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 17 Jun 2020 07:16

Early in his career, H.B. Reese, inventor of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, created two nearly identical candy bars. The "Lizzie Bar" was named after his oldest daughter and the "Johnny Bar" was named after his son. The only difference between the two was that the Johnny Bar had nuts.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 23 Jun 2020 16:30

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 Jun 2020 17:27

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.

The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.

They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how they all returned as Christians.

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 Jun 2020 17:30

My wife says I have two faults.

I don’t listen...and something else.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 Jun 2020 17:31

me: knock knock

them: who's there

me: Dwayne

them: Dwayne who

me: dwayne the bathtub! i'm dwowning!

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 25 Jun 2020 17:34

A polar bear goes into a bar . . .

. . .and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”

The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”

And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 02 Jul 2020 14:32

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.

He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick."

The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.

He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 02 Jul 2020 15:58

A man takes a hooker out to dinner. He gives her his peas

She gives him herpes

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:15

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:16

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:16

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:17

After passing away, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a interview with God.

God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"

Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers, "I believe in the power of democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc."

God is really impressed by Obama and tells him, "Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.

Finally, God asks Trump, "What do you believe in?"

Trump answers, "I believe you're sitting on my chair."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:18

RIP boiled water

You will be mist

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:19

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:20

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:22

I’ve never understood the difference between butter and ghee.

Perhaps someone could clarify.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 05 Jul 2020 18:23

Whenever she was asked her name, a little girl told people, “I’m Mr. Anderson’s daughter.”

Her mother told her this was wrong. Instead, she must say, "I'm Sarah Anderson."

At the grocery store she was approached by a friend of her fathers. He asked, "Aren't you Mr. Anderson’s daughter?"

Sarah replied, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 11 Jul 2020 15:55

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.”

Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked “What did you buy for the house, dear?"

Tom answered “A round of drinks!"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 22 Jul 2020 12:46

An anagram....

President Clinton of the USA = To copulate, he finds interns

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 24 Jul 2020 18:44

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 24 Jul 2020 18:45

Ever since I've needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude...

She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 24 Jul 2020 18:45

The only thing a flat earther is afraid of

Is sphere itself.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 24 Jul 2020 18:49

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 26 Jul 2020 19:32

Dad: What did you get in your tests?

Son: Nearly a 100 for every test.

Dad: What do you mean nearly a hundred?

Son: Well, I got the zero's . . .

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 26 Jul 2020 19:33

I am driving through England, and am staying in Greenwich for a few days.

Not sure what to do in the Mean Time.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 26 Jul 2020 19:35

My 6-yr-old's logic against vegetarianism

"If we only eat vegetables, the world would be full of chickens and cows."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 26 Jul 2020 19:35

I support the anti-mask people

Thanks to them the average IQ is rising

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 30 Jul 2020 09:34

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 31 Jul 2020 04:30

Knowing how many beers to have is like spelling Woolloomooloo (Inner-city, Sydney NSW).

It's just a matter of knowing when to stop.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Aug 2020 11:42

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

samcam · Post by **samcam** » 22 Aug 2020 05:09

There was a fly flying 12 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, I'd get it."

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water and I'd get it!"

A hunter nearby thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish and I'll shoot the bear."

A mouse watching thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich !"

A cat in hiding thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese and I'll get that mouse !!!"

Suddenly, it all happened:
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!

A subsequent in depth analysis of the above chain of events by a global management consulting firm revealed in their summary that Every time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet.

samcam · Post by **samcam** » 22 Aug 2020 05:10

A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire. As he got out, the boyfriend spotted a cowboy nearby, sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.

He told his girlfriend, "Watch me make that cowboy change my tire!"

He got out and ordered, "Hey, you! Get off that horse and change my tire."

The cowboy lit his cigarette and ignored him.

"Hey! I told you to change my tire. If you don't, I'll kick your a$$!"

The cowboy glanced up and said softly, "Tell you what, feller. First, I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off this horse, kick your a$$, and make you change your own tire while I play with your girlfriend. And when you're done, I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of this hot sand while I do it to her."

Later, driving away, the girlfriend said, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?" The boyfriend replied, "Naw, he wasn't that tough. Did you see him flinch whenever I dropped his balls in the sand?"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 22 Aug 2020 06:25

If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up...

He should have just hired her!

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 01 Sep 2020 18:49

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”