Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Post by bazza4338 »

A rope walks up to a bar but the bouncer turns him away, saying that ropes aren't allowed.

So, the rope walks away, ties himself in a bow and unravels his ends a bit.

When he walks back to the bar, the bouncer says "hey, aren't you that rope we just turned away?"

To which the rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot"

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Post by bazza4338 »

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

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Post by bazza4338 »

A woman was in bed with her lover

When she heard her husband opening the front door “Quick! jump out the window”

"What?! the guy says, “we’re on the 13th floor!”

Her: “ just jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”

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Post by bazza4338 »

My neighbour and I became really close friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

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Post by bazza4338 »

I bought my dad a fridge for his birthday

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

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Post by samcam »

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.

Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.<>br
"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old.

We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.

After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!!!
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Post by samcam »

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways.

The interviewer asked him, "Do you know how to use the equipment?"

"Yes," the boy replied.

"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

The young applicant thought and replied, "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation."

"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually."

"And if the lever was broken?"

"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

The boy thought about that one.

"I'd run into town and get my uncle."

"Is your uncle an electrician?"

"No, but he's never seen a train crash before."
Last edited by samcam on 02 Sep 2020 01:27, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by samcam »

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.

Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Julie," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
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Post by samcam »

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady.

The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"
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Post by bazza4338 »

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

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Post by erich »

This is not exactly a joke, but I was browsing some stamp lot photos and this was in the middle of them:

415399_2_.png

Should I write to the seller and ask if she will make me some of this if I buy the lot?

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Post by doug »

Hi Erich,
Could you please elaborate regarding the 3 items you have apparently highlighted -
Extra virgin olive oil is the first pressing without chemical or other adulteration.
Sea salt is often felt to be superior to rock salt or other forms of processed salt.
I have no idea what US Customary - Metric means.
Does the ESPN image have something to do with the recipe?

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Post by erich »

Doug, that was the image as it appeared in the middle of the stamp lot photos. I didn't change it. Maybe it's for guacamole? I can tell you the last thing is asking if you want metric measurements, or pounds/ounces/cups, etc. because we are weirdos here in the US and don't use the metric system.

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Post by bazza4338 »

doug wrote:
02 Sep 2020 18:21

......Extra virgin olive oil is the first pressing without chemical or other adulteration.......
Not to be confused with virgin wool....
qqqq.jpg

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Post by BigSaint »

Q. What can go all the way around the world but still stay in the corner.

A. A stamp. :lol:
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Post by Allanswood »

doug wrote:
02 Sep 2020 18:21
Hi Erich,
Could you please elaborate regarding the 3 items you have apparently highlighted -
Extra virgin olive oil is the first pressing without chemical or other adulteration.
Sea salt is often felt to be superior to rock salt or other forms of processed salt.
I have no idea what US Customary - Metric means.
Does the ESPN image have something to do with the recipe?

They're not highlights, they're embeded links to desriptions of what the word means.
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Post by agondocz »

From my local library:

I had to tell my luggage that we were not going on vacation this year.

Now I have a lot of emotional baggage.

Best wishes,
AndewG

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Post by bazza4338 »

In the “Life of Brian” scene where Graham Chapman reveals himself naked at a window to his adoring followers, fellow Python Terry Jones realised he lacked one crucial Jewish detail. A strategically placed rubber band provided authenticity.
1.jpg

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Post by samcam »

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his bloody widow."
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Post by bazza4338 »

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

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Post by bazza4338 »

What do you call a pirate with 2 arms, 2 legs and 2 eyes?

A beginner

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Post by bazza4338 »

You would think that a snail without a shell would move a bit faster...

But it's actually more sluggish.

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Post by bazza4338 »

My daughter thinks I don't respect her personal boundaries

Or at least that's what she wrote in her diary

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Post by bazza4338 »

A man walks into a seafood restaurant and was told they had Lobster Tails on offer for $1.

“They must be small," he says.

"No, they're normal size," replies the waitress.

"Well they're old then."

"Fresh today," she answers.

"Then I'll have one," says the man, smiling.

The waitress takes him to table and he sits down.

"Once upon a time," she begins, "There was a big red lobster ..."

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Post by bazza4338 »

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

“With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What would they want with a plasterer??!"

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Post by bazza4338 »

Donald goes to the Vatican

Donald took a quick trip to Rome to show his concern for the Pope:

"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope — great, great pope. You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church — big church.

“I couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses. He tells me he’s elected for life, probably copying that Xi guy in China. Fantastic idea, though.

Fantastic. It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife.

“He told me he’s infallible. I said that’s great, you’ll never have to worry about breaking a hip. And told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful. Apparently a hooker. I asked him for her number. Didn’t catch his answer. I’m told he said it in Latin. I give the guy credit because he doesn’t look Latino.

"He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco stuff. I don't think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are great, I'm telling you. Lots of colours.

“The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody — we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted by this young Italian. I think his name is Mike Langelo.

“At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called him, I think. Trust me, we're going to hear more about this guy. He's really artistic, and everybody tells me I have the greatest eye for the best art. It’s natural, just like my incredible understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they can’t believe it.

"I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked if Mike’s done anything on velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower. This Mike guy needs more exposure. He's too much with the churches.

“He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.

“When we left, the pope gave me a bible. Huge book. (Huge.) I told him I have the full set. You get one for free every time you take a porn star to a hotel room.”

[pauses]

“Unbelievable. Just heard. The lame-stream media is at it again. Fake news. (Fake news.) I just saw something on TV. They claim Mike the painter died 450 years ago. Sad. I’ve already got people looking into this and you won’t believe what they’re finding.”

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Post by bazza4338 »

A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless crap"

to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"

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There’s an owl outside and we’ve been talking for around 20 minutes.

Mostly about who’s who.

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Post by bazza4338 »

A lady walks into a restaurant

When she sits down she ask the waiter,

“Excuse me, what is the food of the day?”

“Well ma’am we are serving a 250 gram Angus eye fillet steak.”

“Well I’ll get that medium rare.”

The waiter walks away and comes back 10 minutes later with the steak. He places it down and she bites into the steak. Furious she asks for the chef who cooked the steak steak to come over for a chat.

“Good evening ma’am, what is the problem?”

“Well I asked for this steak to be medium rare but it is well done.”

“Why thank you ma’am.”

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Post by bazza4338 »

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.

She thought,

"I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well-oiled butt.

The old lady figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She gave him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Thought the old lady.

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" asked the old lady.

The man on the phone replied,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

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Post by bazza4338 »

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

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Post by doug »

Was Karl older than Groucho?
I know Zippo was lighter than the others.

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Post by bazza4338 »

doug wrote:
04 Oct 2020 19:36
Was Karl older than Groucho?
I know Zippo was lighter than the others.
The difference between a Hippo and a Zippo....

One is a heavy animal and the other is a little lighter

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Post by MrSamoa »

bazza4338 wrote:
05 Oct 2020 05:00
doug wrote:
04 Oct 2020 19:36
Was Karl older than Groucho?
I know Zippo was lighter than the others.
The difference between a Hippo and a Zippo....

One is a heavy animal and the other is a little lighter
eBay is great for finding rare items, but there is a lot of bad search results that come with it
For example, I did a search for "Vintage Zippo Lighters" and I got 10,000 matches.
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Post by PeeVee »

I think I've lost my sense of taste and smell, not sure if it is the virus, I went out last night in bell bottoms a tank top and covered in Brut.
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Post by bazza4338 »

THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying top get him to change.

One day John came home with another of his unusual purchases. It was a robot which, John claimed, was actually a lie detector. It was about 5.30pm that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late.

John: Where have you been? Why are you two hours late getting home?

Tommy: Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project.
The robot walked round the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him off his chair .
John: Son, this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.
Tommy: We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.
Marsha: What did you watch?
Tommy The Ten Commandments.
The robot went round to Tommy once again and slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
Tommy, with his lip quivering got up and resumed his seat: I’m sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called “The Sex Queen”.
John: I am ashamed of you, son. When I was your age I never lied to my parents.
The robot walked round to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled up with laughter, almost in tears : Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all he is your son.
The robot walked round to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Post by BigSaint »

A NSW friend told me that last weekend he went to a zoo & it only had one animal.

He thought it was a shih-tzu :!: :lol:
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Post by bazza4338 »

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, `If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the Church, would that get me into heaven ? ` NO !! the children answered.

`If I cleaned the Church every day, mowed the lawns, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven ? ` Again, the answer was `NO !! `

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven ?? Again, they all answered `NO !! `

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, `Then how can I get into heaven ? `
A little boy shouted out: `YUV GOTTA BE F****** DEAD.

It`s a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn`t it.

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Post by bazza4338 »

Nominative Determinism, the idea that people gravitate towards areas of work that fit their names. The term was coined by a New Scientist writer noting studies carried out by researchers with remarkably fitting names, such as an article on urology by researchers named Splatt and Weedon.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nominative_determinism

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Post by Waffle »

Or the famous 1960s London dental practice of Tuggem and Pullem.
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Post by MrSamoa »

bazza4338 wrote:
18 Oct 2020 10:28
Nominative Determinism, the idea that people gravitate towards areas of work that fit their names. The term was coined by a New Scientist writer noting studies carried out by researchers with remarkably fitting names, such as an article on urology by researchers named Splatt and Weedon.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nominative_determinism
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Post by emason »

Thomas Crapper - Sanitary engineers.
Best wishes,
Bill

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Post by bazza4338 »

A post card I had... Robert O Blood, Military Surgeon
5 A Censored Military Postcard L'Eglise Vallet Robert O Blood Coy B MC to Mrs R O Blood Sharon Brookline MA USA PM US Army PO MPES 18 Mar 1919 APO767.jpg
5 P Censored Military Postcard  L'Eglise Vallet Robert O Blood Coy B MC to Mrs R O Blood Sharon Brookline MA USA PM US Army PO MPES 18 Mar 1919 APO767.jpg
Robert O Blood.jpg

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Post by bazza4338 »

50 Sheds Today



We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it.

Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.

The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.

At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.

Here are their experiences:

Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86

She stood before me, trembling in my shed
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunnings.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure.
Now for the other boot.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---
Jack Farthing, 78

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----
John Hardcastle, 72

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------
Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
Allen Cardly, 74

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Nicholas Benchley, 53

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture for sale on eBay.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Toby Williams, 60

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

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Post by OldDuffer1 »

emason wrote:
20 Oct 2020 04:38
Thomas Crapper - Sanitary engineers.
Correct!
"Origin of the word "crap"
It has often been claimed in popular culture that the slang term for human bodily waste, crap, originated with Thomas Crapper because of his association with lavatories. A common version of this story is that American servicemen stationed in England during World War I saw his name on cisterns and used it as army slang, i.e. "I'm going to the crapper".

The word crap is actually of Middle English origin and predates its application to bodily waste. Its most likely etymological origin is a combination of two older words: the Dutch krappen (to pluck off, cut off, or separate) and the Old French crappe (siftings, waste or rejected matter, from the medieval Latin crappa). In English, it was used to refer to chaff and also to weeds or other rubbish. Its first recorded application to bodily waste, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, appeared in 1846, 10 years after Crapper was born, under a reference to a crapping ken, or a privy, where ken means a house."
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Crapper#Origin_of_the_word_%22crap%22

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Post by bazza4338 »

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

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Post by bazza4338 »

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

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ǝɹǝɥdsᴉɯǝɥ uɹǝɥʇnos ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ ǝɹ,ǝʍ ǝsnɐɔǝq ʇsnɾ uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝɹ,ǝʍ ʎɐs sʎɐʍlɐ ǝldoǝd uǝɥʍ ǝʇɐɥ I puɐ uɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ oslɐ ɯ,I

Stupid Northern hemisphere folk..

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Post by bazza4338 »

“There’s absolutely no way that there’s a word, that’s less than eleven letters, that has all five vowels, and Y, in alphabetical order!”

He said, facetiously.

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Post by gigi-split »

Darling what is on TV?
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