Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A woman goes to a super market with her grocery list. On the list is broccoli so she goes to the produce section, but to her dismay there was no broccoli to be found.

So she finds produce manager and asks where she could find some broccoli.

The manager tells her that they were currently sold out and that they would have more tomorrow. She says ok and moves on to the next item on the list.

5 minutes later the same woman comes back looking for broccoli again. She is a little frustrated this time & asks the produce manager "where is the broccoli I can't find it". The manager says they were out of broccoli & would have some tomorrow morning.

She leaves and comes back a little later . This time she is right in the produce manager's face & screams "Where's the bloody broccoli?"

He looks at the woman and asks her how she spells cat as in catastophic. She says "C_A_T". He then asks her to spell dog as in dogmatic. She replies "D_O_G" The manager then asks do you spell 'broccoli'?

The woman, a little confused, spells broccoli for the guy “b-r-o-c-c-o-l-i”. The guy shakes his head and says “you forgot the f”. The woman, even more confused says “but there is no ‘f’ in broccoli, to which the guy yells

“THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU, THERE IS NO EFFIN' BROCCOLI!”
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Post by BigSaint »

AND What is the difference between broccoli & snot?

Well you can get a kid to eat snot! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Post by bazza4338 »

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked ‟ no bacon? No burgers?!”

To which he replied ‟No fatty, just do not eat anything! ”

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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

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Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming...

Especially when I went back for seconds

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Post by bazza4338 »

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was Pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

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Post by bazza4338 »

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, up to a point."

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?
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It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’

He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’
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Doc and Baz are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Baz dies. Doc doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Baz. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Doc asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Doc. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Baz. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’
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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
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'A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A truck-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, It was a turtle disaster.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Vegemite......... one jar.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '
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Doctor Waffle, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
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Welcome to the 6:00 News. I'm your anchor, Les Izmore. Our top story tonight: A number of bridge players were recently ejected from a meeting of the Democratic National Committee. According to one of the bridge players, the ejection occurred after another player announced he was going to use his trump card.

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Today's story, infamous criminal Lance Richardson caught while haughtily walking down a flight of stairs near his latest theft. There is little to report after the capture of the condescending con descending.

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Our top story today; Hollywood was saddened when Foghorn Leghorn died today at the age of sixty five. Memorial services will be held tomorrow, after which the deceased will be served with a nice orange sauce.

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Post by bazza4338 »

Welcome to the 6 o'clock News. I'm your anchor, Arthur Anymoredonuts?
Our top story today, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dead at 53.
I know, it IS sad. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747.
Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

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What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.
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Tragedy struck a small company town in southern Ontario when the local Nissan manufacturing plant was destroyed in a massive explosion. The force of the blast resulted in thousands of small car parts launching into the air and falling on the town, causing considerable damage to both lives and property. As one resident with a bad sense of humour told reporters, "It was raining Datsun cogs."

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Hello and welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm your anchor, William Spearshaker. Our top story of the night: Scientists recently spent 24 hours watching the moon go around the Earth. They got bored and called it a day.

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Post by EricHutton »

Been trawling through Mekeel's Weekly Stamp News, and came across the following from 3rd Dec 1928 page 685, to be read with an Italian accent I think...

FROM BAD TO WORSE
(We don’t know where this originated. And it doesn’t matter, if it only creates a laugh!)

Waitress: “Hawaii, gentlemen. You must be Hungary.”

First Man: “Yes, Siam. And we can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?”

Waitress: “I'll Russia to a table. Will you Havana?”

F. M.: “Nome. You can wait on us.”

Waitress: “Good. Japan the menu yet? The Turkey is Nice.”

F. M.: “Anything at all. But can’t Jamaica little speed?”

Waitress: “I don’t think we can Fiji that fast, but Alaska.”

F. M.: “Never mind asking any one. Just put a Cuba sugar in our Java.”

Waitress: “Sweden it yourself. I’m only here to Servia.”

F. M.: “Denmark our bill and call the Bosphorous. He’ll probably Kenya. I don’t Bolivia know who I am.”

Waitress: “No, and I don’t Carribean. You guys sure Armenia.”

Boss: “Samoa your wisecracks, is it? Don’t Genoa customer is always right? What got India? You think maybe this arguing Alps business?”
—Clipping.

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That's clever, Eric :)

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I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

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I can’t keep the batteries in my stud finder. It beeps like crazy any time I get near it.

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My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

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Post by bazza4338 »

This is how bad the economy is:

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

If the bank returns your check marked ‟Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

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When ducks are flying south, they fly in a V formation. But one side is always longer. Do you know why?

There's more ducks on that side.
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a drink

The bartender asks him how will he be paying.

The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill"
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What’s a ducks favourite nacho topping?

Quack-amole
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The other day I saw a duck standing on top of another duck’s head.

I guess I saw a paradox.
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A local duck was interrogated by police for hours.

A spokesperson for the police said "Eventually he quacked under pressure".
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for the check.

Duck billed Platypus.
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BigSaint
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

I poured some water over a duck's back yesterday.

He didn't care.
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bazza4338
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

BigSaint wrote:
01 Dec 2020 09:04
The other day I saw a duck standing on top of another duck’s head.

I guess I saw a paradox.

This is a paradox

paradox.jpg

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

A Woman goes to the Opticianfor her annual eye test.

The Optician puts a contraption her face and asks her what can she see.

"I see empty airports, I see empty football grounds. I see closed theatres, closed pubs and closed restaurants"

"That's perfect" says the Optician "You've got 2020 vision"

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

A man went to see the Doctor.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doctor.

In a very loud voice the man said "I've got laryngitis".

"Well", said the Doctor, "why aren't you whispering?"

"Why should I, it's not a secret?"

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