Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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EricHutton
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by EricHutton »

Came across another stamp collecting joke...Mekeel's Weekly Stamp News 22nd July 1922 bottom of page 379

WITHIN THE LAW.

Congressman Hull, of Iowa, sent free seeds to a constituent in a franked envelope, on the corner of which were the usual words: “Penalty for private use, $300.” A few days later he received a letter which, read: “I don’t know what to do about those garden seeds you sent me. I notice it is $300 fine for private use. I don’t want to use them for the public. I want to plant them in my private garden. I can’t afford to pay $300 for the privilege. Won’t you see if you can fix it so I can use them privately? I am a law-abiding citizen and do not want to commit any crime.”—Houston Press.

P.S. Mekeel's Weekly Stamp News is a serious stamp collectors newspaper that started in 1891, it is just as I am going through it, it is the funny bits that catch my attention.

P.P.S Think we should have a separate "Funny Stamp Collecting (Only) Jokes thread"

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look, a herd of elephants in the distance”

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn’t recognize them.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: “Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!”
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Post by BigSaint »

Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A. To stomp out forest fires.

Q. Why do elephants have large feet?
A. To stomp out flaming ducks!
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Post by BigSaint »

Q. Why doesn’t the elephant use the computer?
A. Because it is afraid of the mouse!
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Post by BigSaint »

Q: What is big, green, hangs in a tree and has a trunk?
A: An unripe elephant.

Q. Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A. It was stapled to the first elephant.

Q. Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A. Peer pressure.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. It thought it was an elephant.
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Post by BigSaint »

Two elephants – Harry & Faye
Couldn’t kiss with their trunks in the way
So they boarded a plane
They’re now kissing in Maine
Cause their trunks got sent to L.A.

Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
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Post by BigSaint »

Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A. So they can hide in a strawberry patch.

Q. Why do elephants hide in strawberry patches?
A. So they can jump out and stomp on people.

Q. Why do elephants stomp on people?
A. That is how they play squash.
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Post by BigSaint »

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It’s bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
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Post by BigSaint »

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
“Why did you do that?” asks a passing giraffe.
“Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago.”
“Wow, what a memory!” says the giraffe.
“Yes,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.
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Post by BigSaint »

How many elephants can you fit in a Mini Cooper? Four: two in the front, two in the back.

How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini Cooper? None, 'cause there's already all those elephants in there.

How do you know that there's an elephant in your refrigerator? You can see the footprints in the butter.

How do you know if there are two elephants in your refrigerator? You can hear them giggle when the light goes out.

How do you know if there are three elephants in your refrigerator? Because you can't quite get the door closed.

How do you know if there are four elephants in your refrigerator? There is a Mini Cooper parked outside.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by Waffle »

I regret to say BigSaint that Elephant jokes, even funny ones, were dying a death in the 1960s. These ones appear to have putrified.
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Post by bazza4338 »

A man named Bob suffered from severe paranoia.

It only got worse ever since the city he lived in got its first Covid-19 case.

Bob spent hours each day sanitising his clothes and scrubbing himself to protect him from the virus.

One day Bob got a call from a very close friend of his. He wanted to invite Bob over for dinner on Sunday.

Bob wasn't sure about going, on one hand, the virus was still a threat to him but he had not met anyone in over five months.

Eventually, Bob decided to accept the invitation.

It was 7:00 pm Sunday, Bob knocked on his friend's door.

"Bob it's great to see you, come on in"

"I must say whatever it is your cooking smells wonderful" replied Bob

"Oh does it? I haven't been able to smell anything for the past three days"

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Post by BigSaint »

Q. What's grey & has a trunk?

A. A mouse going on holidays. :lol:
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Post by BigSaint »

it took me months to get my dog to shake hands.

Now I have to get him to bump elbows & I don't think he'll stand for it. :lol:
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Post by BigSaint »

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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Post by BigSaint »

“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
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Post by BigSaint »

Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: Only if you aim it well enough.
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Post by BigSaint »

Doctor: You are very sick.
Patient: Can I get a second opinion?
Doctor: Yes, of course! You are very ugly too.
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Post by BigSaint »

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
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Post by BigSaint »

Patient: Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!
Doctor: So why are you telling me?
Patient: I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?
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Post by BigSaint »

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the day’s activities when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, “Damn, some a**hole has my pen!”
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Post by Waffle »

That too is a 1969 Medical School joke, told to the class of 72 by a consultant Gastroenterologist at Royal Victoria Hospital in Belfast. Where do you dredge them up from?
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Post by bazza4338 »

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" she asks the driver.

The driver sees this as a chance to prank the old woman for some laughs.

-"That's a sight that I had installed so I can aim my targets better" he answers.

-"What do you mean by targets?" she asks

-"Well, you see that cyclist over there cycling along the road? Well I hate those cyclists so I'm going to run over him!"

As the woman gasps, he proceeds to accelerate and drive directly towards the unaware cyclist, but in the last moment he turns the wheel to dodge the cyclist. But there's a loud sound that surprises the driver.

"What was that sound??" he asks.

"Well, you can say whatever you want about that fancy sight of yours, but if I hadn't opened the car's door, we wouldn't have hit that goddamm cyclist!"

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Post by bazza4338 »

A woman and baby were in the Doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

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Post by BigSaint »

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.

She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”

She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”

Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”

Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”
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Post by BigSaint »

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
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Post by BigSaint »

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
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Post by BigSaint »

A lady found that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, don’t ride your bicycle for about a week."
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Post by BigSaint »

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine.

The second day she called and he said the same thing. The third day, the same. When she finally returned she wanted to see her cat. Her boyfriend said that, sadly, her cat was dead. She went into a deep state of sadness. "Why didn't you just tell me?!" He said he didn't want to ruin her vacation.

She said that he could have gently overtime. He asked what did she mean. She said the first day you could have said that she was on the roof and we couldn't get her down. The second day we got her down but she was injured but the veterinarian said should be fine. The third day he could have said that the cat was suffering worse than they thought. Etc, etc. It would have been lies but at least it would have cushioned the blow.

Her boyfriend apologized and she said it was okay because he was only doing the right thing. So she asked how her mother was doing in the retirement home. He thought for a second and said, "She's on the roof and we can't get her down."
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Post by capetriangle »

The best, most innocuous, ethnic joke I have ever heard.

A cruise ship sinks in the Pacific.
Two Danes, two Norwegians and two Swedes are all stranded together on a small desert island.
Two years later they are all rescued, what happened in the meantime?
The two Danes have gone into business together, the two Norwegians were fighting and the two Swedes are still waiting to be introduced.

Told to me by my principal Norwegian-American friend.

Kindest regards

Richard Debney

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Post by bazza4338 »

Not jokes - just a few interesting items I have just read - true or otherwise I do not know.....

Elvis's autopsy revealed morphine, Demerol, chlorpheniramine, Placidyl, Valium, codeine, Ethinamate, quaaludes; an unidentified barbiturate, diazepam, Amytal, Nembutal, Carbrital, Sinutab, Elavil, Avenal, and Valmid.

https://www.liveabout.com/overview-of-elvis-presleys-death-2522423

............................................................................................

There was a product sold in the 80's and 90's called the "Electric Worm Getter". It was sold to fishermen for the collection of earthworms for bait. It sent an electric shock through the top layer of soil forcing the worms to surface. It had to be recalled in 1993 after 30 people died using it.

https://www.cpsc.gov/Recalls/1993/electric-worm-getter-worm- ... zard-cited

............................................................................................


"Continuum", a magazine devoted to proving HIV/AIDS is hoax. It ceased publishing after all of its core members died of HIV complications.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Continuum_(magazine)

............................................................................................

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Post by bazza4338 »

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 men of course!

Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran inside the restaurant so l followed him.

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Post by bazza4338 »

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve.

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Post by bazza4338 »

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

I was just struck in the head by a flying bottle of Omega 3 pills!

.... luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil.

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

"Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I'm homeless.

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by bazza4338 »

What is the fear of chainsaws called?

Common sense

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

"What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep.

The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man.

A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup.

The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.

"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"

"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

The teacher asks, "Jessica, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Jessica blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."

The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

"That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye."

"Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That's correct."

She then turns to Jessica and says, "First, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a BIG disappointment."
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A guy comes to work very sick and asks his boss for advice. The boss says, "You know, if it were me, I'd just go home and let my wife really take care of me in all aspects, if you know what I mean. Now go and do just that, Roger, you look pretty bad."
-
The guy gratefully leaves and comes back the next day, looking much better.
-
"So, how was it?" asks the boss, "Everything alright?"
-
"Yes," replies the guy, "I feel much better, thank you. By the way, you have really nice furniture!"
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

A teenage boy is invited for lunch at his girlfriend’s house.

Because he made some bad food choices earlier, he simply has to fart when they're all at the table.

The girlfriend's dad shouts at the large dog sitting under the boy’s chair: „Rex!”

Seeing that the father thought it was the dog, the boy is much relieved.

A minute later the boy has to fart again - and again audibly. The father snaps at the dog again: “REX!!”

The boy is relieved again that the father thought it was the dog.

Ten minutes later the boy farts again.

The father shouts: “Rex, come here before that boy craps on your head.”
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Astronaut's last words: OMG guys, who farted? I have to open the window.
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