Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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bazza4338
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Post by bazza4338 »

You cannot RUN through a campsite, you can only RAN through a campsite.

Because it's past tents

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Post by bazza4338 »

If you lose one of your senses, your other sense are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

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Post by capetriangle »

bazza4338 wrote:
20 Jan 2021 06:34
If you lose one of your senses, your other sense are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.
Yes, I have come across many of those types.

Kindest regards

Richard

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Post by bazza4338 »

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

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Post by bazza4338 »

A wealthy Frenchman was showing me his yachts...

“This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six... “

“What happened to 5?” I asked

“Cinq”

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Post by bazza4338 »

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep.

Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening.

I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday.

And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.

Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.

Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President?

I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!

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Post by bazza4338 »

I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi, or a Ford?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Me: "A motorcycle."

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki, or a Harley?"

Me: "I have no idea!"

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter-question.

Me: "So..., counter-question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes, and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife, or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.

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Post by bazza4338 »

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

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My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

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Mom I'm sixteen already. Can I finally wear a bra now?

No Steve.

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Post by bazza4338 »

Over the last month or so, I kept getting these telemarketing phone calls.

Tons of them.

All to do with "Penis Enlargement Pills"

Got so sick and tired of them that I sent them a photo.

Calls have stopped.

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Post by bazza4338 »

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”

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The word Nothing is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells gnihtoN which also means nothing.

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I take strong offence with anyone saying the Republican Party has no standards now.

In fact, they have double standards.

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Post by bazza4338 »

What was the least trusted company in 2020?

Goodyear

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Post by bazza4338 »

A western feminist reporter once worked in Kuwait for a few years and was disgusted by the fact that the women were made to walk 5 metres behind their husbands.

Yet no matter how vocal she was about her views it did nothing for the situation.

A war broke out and she was forced to leave the country for a few years and when she got back she could not believe her eyes. The women were now walking 6 metres in front of the men!

Astonished by this change she approached the first woman she saw and exclaimed, 'I tried for years to make this happen and yet all of a sudden you now walk in front of your husbands and men. What brought this miraculous change?'

The woman looked the reporter dead in the eyes and said:

"Landmines"

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Post by bazza4338 »

When I was young we were really poor.

On my 6th birthday, my mother put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

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What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas.

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Post by uncadonego »

bazza4338 wrote:
27 Jan 2021 17:38
When I was young we were really poor.

On my 6th birthday, my mother put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.
WOW! Your family could afford a mirror? :shock:

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Actually, it was aluminium foil!

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I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing

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How do you console an English teacher?

There, they're, their.

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Cargo pants?

No, cargo beep.

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Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

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A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

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The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

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Post by bazza4338 »

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything.

One day he went to their creek with his mule.

He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for women?"

Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.'

When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale

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A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

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What do you blow on and make a wish?

A breathalyzer

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Post by bazza4338 »

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman, and then my dog bit me. So, I come to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?”

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Post by bazza4338 »

Can I donate a graft of tissue from my buttocks to another person I'm not related to?

Ass skin for a friend.

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The following are with the compliments of bazza4338:

What do you call a cow with one leg? answer: Lean Beef

What do you call a cow with a twitch? answer: Beef jerky

What do you call a cow stuck in a barbed wire fence? answer: Udder destruction
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How do you catch a unique rabbit? answer: You 'neek' up on it.

How do you catch a tame unique rabbit? answer: Tame way you 'neek' up on it.
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Why do elephants paint their toenails red? answer: To hide in the strawberry patch.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch? answer: Works doesn't it?

Why were the strawberries all upset? answer: They were in a jam
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Why did the turkey cross the road? Answer: To prove he wasn't chicken.

Why did the boy throw the clock out the window? Answer: He wanted to see time fly.

What did the cookie say to the watermelon? Answer: Nothing, cookies can't talk.
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Why was tigger looking down the toilet??

A: Because he was trying to find Pooh!!
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

He had to report for work at KFC.
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What do you call a cow that just gave birth to a calf?

"Decalffeinated"
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A Rabbi from Spain, just before Passover, telephones A Rabbi from Israel, to notify him of a shortage of chrain (Horseradish).

The Rabbi from Israel reassures him not to worry, he will send the needed chrain to Spain.

When the Rabbi from Spain does not receive his chrain, he telephones the Rabbi in Israel.

The Rabbi from Israel says I am sorry to inform you, we have an air plane strike in Israel & unfortunately at this time, “THE CHRAIN FOR SPAIN IS MAINLY ON THE PLANE.”
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
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A man in his 90's, for a Special Birthday Gift from his Grandsons, is sent a Stripper to his home to entertain him.

After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services.

The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?" She said ,"I can provide you "Sup-er Sex".

“He says, “Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the Soup!"
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What is the first letter in the word yellow?

Y?

Because I want to know.
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What did God say to the man on the moon?

Kneel Armstrong!
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What did the mother buffalo say to her child as he left for school?

Bison!
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Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?

Who could blame her, she had a pumpkin for a coach and was always running from the ball!
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What do you get when you cross a rabbit and a spider?

A hairnet.
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What did one frog say to the other?

Time sure is fun when you're having flies.
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Why did the one handed man cross the road??

ANSWER: Because the second hand store was across the street.
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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Why do people wear perfume and cologne to church?

ANSWER: Because they sit in pews.
Specialist Collector of World Horse Racing Covers, Melbourne Cup & Kentucky Derby, & JFK fdcs.

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