Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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Re: Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

Post by BigSaint »

Once upon a time, a lion announced...
Once upon a time, a lion announced he'll distribute free woolen coats if he is elected 'King of the jungle'.

One foolish sheep asked, "From where the wool will come?"

The lion just laughed and laughed and said, "My finance minister, the cheetah, will explain the source after the election."
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A man wants to buy his wife a gift.
He decides to get her a brand new pair of gloves, as she's been complaining about her old ones. After doing some research, he finds the only glover in town, and drives over.

When he arrives at the store, he is blown away by all the different types of gloves. Sitting in stacks, he sees leather gloves so smooth that they feel like butter. He sees velvet gloves lined every type of fur he can imagine.

Knowing his wife, he decides to get her some nice woolen mittens to keep her warm. Sure enough, he finds exactly what he was envisioning: a beatifully woven wool mitten in his wife's favorite color.

But for the life of him, he can only find the one mitten, and not it's match. Come to think of it, none of the gloves in this store have matches!

The husband went to the cashier and asked,

"Excuse me, I'd like to purchase this mitten but I can't find its counterpart. In fact, it seems like every glove in this shop is missing its mate!"

The cashier smiles and responds,

"We only sell single gloves in this shop. If you want to buy a matching set, I recommend you find a second-hand store!"
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What animal is 80% wool?
A woolf.
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What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool?
She had mittens!
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where does steel wool come from?
Robot sheep
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You guys heard about the drop in the Scottish wool market?
Next thing they are gonna tell us about how the eggconomy is scrambled too!
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I tried to collect some wool and milk from my farm and the animals went crazy.
It was shear and udder panic.
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How did the nervous man feel after putting on his wool socks?
Sheepish
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I lost my job as a Shepard for never cutting the sheep's wool
I guess it was due to shear laziness.
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Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool?
They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!
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What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool?
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.
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What do you call it when a sheep sells his wool for money?
Cashearing!
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How do you get a sheep to give you all their wool?
Release a new iPhone
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My friend invented a machine that turns sheep shearings into cherries. If you put in black wool, you get black cherries. If you put in white wool, you get maraschino cherries.
Red wool gives you bings.
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This year is my wool anniversary so I got my wife dryer balls.
After seeing the gift she told me she got me blue ones.
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This year is my wool anniversary so I got my wife dryer balls.
After seeing the gift she told me she got me blue ones.
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My mate is made completely out of matted wool fabric.
He's felt better
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Do you know from where the virgin wool comes from?
From the sheep that can outrun the shepherd.
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The bar manager said I could pay with bits of dry wood, bark, paper, even steel wool.
I asked him why and he told that it's legal tinder.
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How did the farmer deal with the stubborn sheep's wool?
With shear willpower
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Mary had a little lamb, It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its bum,

And turned its wool to nylon.
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Post by Ubobo.R.O. »

:roll:
Full time horse non-whisperer, post box searcher and lichen covered granite rock percher. Gee I'm handsome !
You gottem birds, lighthouses, butterflies, shells, maps, flags and heads on stamps ? Me wantem !
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How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand?
They've already got stains before you open the package.
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did you know it takes 3 sheep to make a wool sweater?
It's amazing. I didn't even know they could knit!
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I decided to shear some of my farm's sheep and make a sweater for my nephew.
I didn't know his size though, so I had to guess and hope he wouldn't notice if it was too small.

Unfortunately, when it came time to help him into it, the worst happened and it wasn't big enough. Truly, I couldn't pull the wool over his eyes!
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Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?
Turns out he was allergic to wool.
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New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep
Meat and wool.
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What do you call a wolf in sheep's clothing?
Woolf
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Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn...
So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car
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So there's this sheep farmer who had money troubles because he wasn't selling a lot of wool. He decided to sell the meat instead...
...needless to say, things went from baa to wurst.
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What is the capital of Mongolia?
Wool and butter.
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I’ve been getting into trading socks recently
You know, the ones on Wool Street.
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MOUSE HOLE
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."
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At the school petting zoo, the animals all give different things.
The sheep’s give wool to make blankets,

The pigs give therapy for the disabled kids,

And the fat cow gives out homework.
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They've recently discovered a brand new use for sheep in West Virginia...
... They're calling it "wool"...
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The scarf store
A guy walks in to a scarf shop and asks what kind of scarves they sell.

The owner replies "we have wool ones inside and cashmere outside, how bout dat?"
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The boy was upset when he came home from school...
“Mom I was sent home from school.”
“Why is that?” ask the concerned mom.
“First the teacher asked what you get from sheep. I said wool. Then she asked what you get from a pig. I said bacon. Then she asked what you get from a fat cow. I said homework.”
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Teacher: "What's your hobby, Mary?" "Knitting and swimming."
"But doesn't the wool get soggy?"
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Cat jokes
#10



Why does a tiger tell the truth?

Because he isn't a lion.
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#9

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?

None! They were copy cats!
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#8

Why did the cat run from the tree?

Because it was afraid of the bark!
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#7

What is cleverer than a talking cat?

A spelling bee!
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#6

What is a cat's favorite TV show?

The evening mews!
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#5

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?

She had mittens!
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#4

Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?

Because he's always spotted.
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#3

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?

A duck filled fatty puss.
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#2

What happened when the cat went to the flea circus?

He stole the whole show!
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#1

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat?

A big, furry creature that purrs while it sits on you
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Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
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What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
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