Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

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I love my furniture.

My recliner and I go way back.

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How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..'' Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment? "

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted..... ...

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A bad workman blames his fools..

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard

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I was in a bar the other day, when a girl asked me, “What do you do?” I responded, “I race cars.” Screeching with excitement, she shot back, “Do you win many races!?” I sighed...

“No, the cars are much faster.”

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Giraffes can grow up to fourteen feet

But normally they have only four

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To the man who invented zero

Thanks for nothing

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A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey.

'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender.

The man: 'not a single penny'

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Two ducks walk into a bar and are immediately asked to leave

It was a crow bar.

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007 walks into a hotel...

Clerk: What's your name?

007: Bond. James Bond.

Clerk: Thank you but we don't need your middle name, Mr Bond Bond.

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What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen

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A kid with a swollen cheek walks into a hospital
A doctor rushes to it: "You Ok lad? What happened?"
"Well... There was this bee... and... it landed on my cheek and... and..."
"Did it sting you?"
"No, daddy killed it with a shovel"

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"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
No sun.

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Bread is like the Sun
It rises in the Yeast and sets in the Waist

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Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

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A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”

First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”

Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

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Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office

They get really annoyed

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A woman decides to surprise her husband at work, and walks into his office to find him talking on the phone and his very attractive secretary perched on his lap.

As soon as he sees his wife, the husband speak into the phone, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue running this office with only one chair."

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What did Tenne see?

Same thing Arkan saw

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My wife just yelled...

...from upstairs and asked "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sound concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

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A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."

They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."

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A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news, and really bad news.

The patient says, "Ok, what's the bad news?"

The doctor says "You only have 24 hours to live."

The patient responds "Oh my God that's awful! What's the really bad news?"

"I forgot to tell you yesterday."

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?"

The father laughs and says "No son, I have a wife".

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My wife just yelled at me, "You haven't listened to a single word I've said"

I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation

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What did 0 say to 8?

"Nice belt!"

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God gave a wish to a man.

The man asked, " I want the whole world to be connected by a road".

"Sorry son, it's technically impossible to engineer such a road. Ask something else" , he replied.

"Well then, I want Trump to think before he speaks", he asked.

"You want that road 8 lanes wide or 10 lanes? Let's discuss details", God replied.

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PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

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Did you hear about the Women with 12 boobs?

Sounds ridiculous, Dozen Tit?

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What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead.

Americans can’t tell if their leader is deadly serious.

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Knock, knock

shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!”

(2020 update)

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I'm done stealing. I took an oath today.

But I swear I will give it back.

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Did you hear about Trump’s collection of styrofoam wildebeests?

Probably for the best, it was fake gnus, anyways....

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DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

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Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly

But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

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My friend told me that his wife was infertile

"Inconceivable!" I said.

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Whoa! China is fudging their coronavirus numbers? WHO knew!

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What do you call a bull that can't get a date?
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Beef Stroganoff



:roll:
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What do you call a man with four pieces of wood on his head?

I don't know, but Edwood Woodwould would!

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I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

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How do you turn Six into Nine?

Remove the S

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My local supermarket called and said "Did you get our email about the tinned meat recall?"

I said no.

They said, "You better check your spam"

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Where is the capital of Zimbabwe?

In a Swiss bank account.

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I asked my boss, “Can I get two weeks of vacation during Christmas?”

Boss: It’s May.

Me: I’m sorry. May I get two weeks off during Christmas?

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Exit signs!

They're on the way out

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370HSSV-0773H

Is what my Australian ex girlfriend texted me.

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William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, "Shatner panties" wasn’t the best choice for a name.

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How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?

Quick answers please.

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Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner?

Because he was stuffed!

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Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

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I need an ambulance

911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Drunk southern man: A man's been shot. I need an am-bu-ance.

911 Operator: Where are you at?

Man: I'm on Sycamore Street.

Operator: Sir you're going to have to spell that.

Man: Si... No, Sy... Tell you what, I'll drag him over to Oak street and meet you there.

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