Funny Jokes - SLIGHTLY *Broad Minded* readers only please

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 30 Oct 2020 15:25

Fun fact : Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 30 Oct 2020 15:26

What's E.T short for?

Because he's got little legs!

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 01 Nov 2020 14:42

A Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, Customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."

The Russian Customs officer let him go without further inspection.

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli Customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?"

He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."

The Israeli Customs officer said, "I apologise, Sir, you are cleared to go"

Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.

One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"

He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this?

This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any Customs Duty and Tx."

MORAL :-

Politics is when you can tell the same crap in different ways to fool different audience, to allow you to look good in every way.

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 01 Nov 2020 15:54

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Nov 2020 18:25

What did Trump say to Biden when they bumped into each other in the hallway of the White House?

Pardon me, please.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Nov 2020 18:26

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump. I've told you each time that he's no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Nov 2020 18:28

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender...

I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."

The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"

Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."

A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."

The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"

The drunk's eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Nov 2020 18:29

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Nov 2020 18:31

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows!

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Nov 2020 18:31

"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Nov 2020 18:32

A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his bum...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 13 Nov 2020 18:38

Two men sword-fighting.

First guy gives an almighty "SWISH!!!".

Second guy says "HA! MISSED!"

First guy says "SHAKE YOUR BLOODY HEAD AND SEE IF I MISSED".

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Nov 2020 18:26

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him, he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Nov 2020 18:28

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

Shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 19 Nov 2020 18:29

A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

GYDAM · Post by **GYDAM** » 20 Nov 2020 17:45

: Lexophiles

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 20 Nov 2020 20:53

Did you hear about the semi-literate prostitute who unwittingly approached a plain clothes policeman?

Her proposition ended with a sentence.

32_seeker · Post by **32_seeker** » 21 Nov 2020 00:54

Donald Trump, back in civilian life, is driving home in heavy traffic when his wife calls.

"Darling", she says, "I'm watching the evening news and they're warning everyone there's an idiot driving the wrong way on the Expressway. Be careful!"

Donald, sweating profusely, replies, "Whaddya mean one? There's thousands of them tonight!"

32_seeker · Post by **32_seeker** » 21 Nov 2020 00:58

GYDAM wrote: ↑
20 Nov 2020 17:45

I heard that Roos can fool people.

I also heard that the President-Elect of the US is just Biden his time until Trump gets booted out of office.

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 21 Nov 2020 09:23

When, questioned by the sex-study pollster "do you usually have intercourse with your husband?"

"During my time of the month", answered the executive's wife.

"During your menstrual period?"

"No" replied the woman, "during his secretary's."

Waffle · Post by **Waffle** » 21 Nov 2020 10:44

BigSaint, both you and Bazza should collaborate and produce a compendium of jokes a la Kochie's. Actually some of them are surprisingly humorous.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 21 Nov 2020 10:56

Thanks Waffle.

Just remember....

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 21 Nov 2020 12:42

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?" The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

The father asked her: "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied,"Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 21 Nov 2020 12:43

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help."   "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 21 Nov 2020 12:43

Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg

It's the Gregorian calendar.

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 21 Nov 2020 13:08

Waffle wrote: ↑
21 Nov 2020 10:44
BigSaint, both you and Bazza should collaborate and produce a compendium of jokes a la Kochie's. Actually some of them are surprisingly humorous.

I appreciate your confidence there Dr Waffle.

Remember, Mothers day is nine months after Fathers day.

MargoZ · Post by **MargoZ** » 21 Nov 2020 14:38

A little bit of topical library humour..

.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 21 Nov 2020 16:18

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 22 Nov 2020 08:44

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.” The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?” “Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.” The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?” “Didn’t feel a thing!”

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 22 Nov 2020 09:11

A wealthy widower, still perky for his years, was enjoying a pre-dinner cocktail in his favourite bar when a stunning girl seated herself several stools away. The oldsters gave her an expert appraising glance, then beckoned the bartender over, lowered his voice & asked, "How would you rate my chances Eddie?"

"Well now Mr Frobisher." replied Eddie, "I'd say where there's a will there's away."

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 23 Nov 2020 07:54

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 23 Nov 2020 07:55

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 23 Nov 2020 07:58

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 23 Nov 2020 07:58

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.

Waffle · Post by **Waffle** » 23 Nov 2020 11:45

They really will get better BigSaint, they have to!

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 23 Nov 2020 16:18

The Swordfish has no natural predators to fear...

....except the Penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 23 Nov 2020 16:20

A boy asked his father....

"Dad, do you and Mum have sexual relations?"

Dad - cough, cough, cough - "Actually, Son, we do."

"Well Dad, how come I've never met any of them?"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 23 Nov 2020 16:22

I ate a kid's meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 23 Nov 2020 16:22

I won $3 Million and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $2,999,999.75

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 23 Nov 2020 16:23

It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19.

But in China, they got it right off the bat.

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 23 Nov 2020 16:24

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar

The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.

"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked.

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 23 Nov 2020 16:25

What did the Roman say when a tiger ate his wife?

Gladiator

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 23 Nov 2020 19:41

Dr Waffle, did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac

He would lie awake at night wondering if there really was a DOG

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 24 Nov 2020 08:01

A man is sent to prison for the first time. The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing.

A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. "Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?" "Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."

Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"It was the way you told it."

Allanswood · Post by **Allanswood** » 24 Nov 2020 10:29

Those with OCD are very annoyed at the way their condition is known... it should be called CDO.

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 27 Nov 2020 07:44

A Husband and Wife were sitting quietly on the sofa reading when the wife looked over at him and asked the following question...

Wife: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not? don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."

Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
Husband: (makes audible groan)
Wife: "Would you live in our house?"
Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"
Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would you give her my jewellery?" Husband: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
Wife: "Would you take her golfing with you?”
Husband: "Yes, those are always good times."
Wife: "Would she use my clubs?”
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."

Long silence.....
Husband: "Damn.

Waffle · Post by **Waffle** » 27 Nov 2020 07:51

BigSaint, the advance sales for a book are slowly increasing. I first heard the gag about the dyslexic agnostic some 50 years ago in medical school. I'm glad you embellished it with an insomniac component. It may then apply to many posters on stampboards, still going after midnight!

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 27 Nov 2020 07:57

Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not?"
Husband: "I'm too old to learn a whole new set of rules."

bazza4338 · Post by **bazza4338** » 27 Nov 2020 08:22

True story....

When I was very young, and queried why Elizabeth Taylor married so often, my mother said "Oh, she must like wedding cake"!

BigSaint · Post by **BigSaint** » 27 Nov 2020 08:59

The Gabor sisters, Zsa Zsa & Eva, were asked why they married so often.

They said they were collectors. Collectors of ex-husbands houses.